An Open Letter to Evan Longoria
Dear Evan,
We met a few times last summer, though briefly.
I have a huge favour to ask, and I will understand if you politely decline: I need you to pee in a bottle and then hold a press conference. It’s an odd request, I know, but hear me out.
You see, the sport you play (quite well, I might add) needs a hero – a clean hero – and the public needs assurance one really exists. I hereby nominate you.
Don’t underestimate the value of baseball heroes. My first two were Lyman Bostock and George Brett. One died in his prime and the other made the Hall of Fame. Neither can be accused of taking anything stronger than chewing tobacco (or “Preparation H”) and no one has ever questioned the validity of their statistics. Those two men helped make me love baseball and, for this, I am grateful.
It seems to me heroes aren’t as easy to trust these days. This week, we got word the man destined to one day shove the tainted home run king aside is, in fact, tainted himself.
That’s why we need you Evan.
Submit to the laboratory right now. Prove your legitimacy before opening day and announce it to the world. Then repeat annually. That way, when you hit your 700th home run in 2027, you won’t have to contritely admit it wasn’t all on the up-and-up.
Baseball has worthy heroes right now. Good ones, clean ones, like Roy Halladay, Derek Jeter, Justin Morneau, and Ryan Braun. But you’ve got that gap-toothed smile, the sweet power stroke, and you’re fresh out of the box.
I’ll close, and hope you’ll consider this request.
Sincerely,
Jamie Campbell
