THE CANADIAN PRESS

TORONTO -- Things were OK for Joey Votto as long as there was baseball.

In the clubhouse he didn't have to deal with the grief of losing his father last summer, on the field he didn't have to worry about the depression that plagued him at home.

But when respiratory and ear infections took the game away from him in mid-May, his refuge was gone and all the emotions the 25-year-old Cincinnati Reds first baseman had essentially been suppressing began to consume him.

He struggled through nights filled with anxiety and panic attacks, one so bad that he called 911 at three or four in the morning and was taken to hospital because, "it got to the point where I thought I was going to die."

"It was a very, very scary and crazy night," he recalled, "it was probably the scariest moment I had ever dealt with in my life."

That he's able to talk about his ordeal now is good news for Votto, who was activated from the disabled list Tuesday and went 1-for-4 in a 7-5 loss against his hometown Toronto Blue Jays.

Votto had been on the DL since May 30 with what the team had described as a "stress-related disorder," and the root of his problems didn't come to public light until an emotional meeting with media in the Reds dugout before the game. Last week he addressed his teammates and believes talking about his experience has been therapeutic.

"I really hadn't acknowledged how important it is to express the things I had been dealing with on the inside," said Votto, acknowledging the risk that comes with his exposing his vulnerability. "It was my biggest hesitation coming out and letting people know, letting my teammates know, because you're supposed to be known as being mentally tough and be able to withstand any type of adversity.

"But, pardon my French, this is real life shit and I just couldn't take it."

Votto's issues began when his father Joseph died at 52 last August and, in the midst of a strong rookie campaign, he avoided his grief by burying himself in baseball. Every day he thought about his father, but the games kept it from becoming a focus.

That all changed once the season ended and the distractions disappeared.

"From the beginning of the off-season until the beginning of spring training, I was pretty severely depressed," he said. "I was dealing with the anxieties of grief and sadness and fear, every single emotion you can imagine. I had a really difficult time with it and I was by myself down in Florida, and I was really looking forward to baseball."

Spring training came in February and it started early for players like Votto who suited up in the World Baseball Classic. He embraced being back in a routine, pushing aside his pain to focus on the game.

Even better, with Canada hosting a tournament pool in Toronto, he'd get to spend additional time with his mother Wendy and brothers Tyler, 20, and nine-year-old twins Ryan and Paul. As the oldest brother, he feels responsible for the family now.

Votto played well at the Classic even as Canada went two and out, and continued to crush the ball into the season. He was hitting .357 with eight home runs and 33 RBIs when he was placed on the DL May 30, after a couple of weeks of being in and out of the lineup because of the respiratory and ear infections, the latter leading to dizziness.

It was during that time off his issues snowballed.

"Taking the time away from baseball and recovering from being sick was when (for) the first time all my emotions that I had been pushing to the side, that I had been dealing with and really struggling with on a daily basis in the winter, they all hit me," he said. "And they hit me 100 times more than what I'd been dealing with all off-season."

By then, the anxiety he had felt privately at home began spilling onto the field, with Votto experiencing attacks during games that were milder than the ones he'd have at night.

Three times he was removed in the middle of a game, the final time May 29 in Milwaukee when he felt "completely overwhelmed."

"I had to put an end to it because I just couldn't be out there," he said. "I just couldn't do it because I physically couldn't do my job."

The DL stint followed, as did a series of appointments with doctors, some therapy, time with friends and family, and eventually a sense that control was returning. A private person by nature, he found opening up to others helped.

Struggling less to sleep at night, he went out on a rehab assignment last week, playing one game with low-A Sarasota and single-A Dayton.

So far, so good.

"I had such a hard time getting through the night," he said. "Once I felt like I could get through two or three nights of sleep without having the phone beside me worrying about having to call the hospital, once I got through that, I felt like I could start playing ball again."

Leaning on his support network, he's confident he'll be able to continue to do so.

Manager Dusty Baker said he was surprised by how quickly Votto has returned, adding Thursday in Cleveland was the earliest he expected to have his slugging first baseman back. Utility player Wilkin Castillo (shoulder) was put on the disabled list retroactive to Sunday to make room for Votto on the roster.

The Reds were 26-21 and scored 4.57 runs per game with Votto in the lineup, 8-13 with 3.38 runs without him.

"We missed him big-time," said Baker.

His emotions in check, Votto must continue without his biggest fan.

"He was the first one to teach me how to play baseball, I played catch with him on a daily basis when I was real young," Votto said of his dad. "He was a big fan, he was just in love with what I did and me. He was a great father to me."