Trading season is too much.
It seems like just yesterday the Raptors traded Rudy Gay, arguably their most talented player at the time… and they were suddenly tremendous.
Then they made some additional brilliant trades, signed a big-name free-agent in DeMarre Carroll, made the NBA’s final four, re-signed DeMar Derozan to a max deal… and now they stink again.
Lately I’ve had to watch games through my fingers, and I’ve come to two conclusions:
1) The Toronto Raptors could not be playing any worse. And …
2) Their timing could not be any better.
To be sure, this past month has been a portentous pile of piping-hot dino dung for Toronto. However, it coincides with the imminent NBA trade deadline on Feb. 23. And with last week’s deal for Serge Ibaka, it looks as though the Raptors have been playing just pitifully enough for Masai Ujiri to start making moves.
And just in case Ujiri 1) isn’t finished wheeling and dealing, and 2) likes to read the opinions of a fan who, at the end of the day, doesn’t understand the business aspects or inner workings of running a professional basketball organization… here is my official roster-rundown of who I believe to be untouchable or expendable.
KYLE LOWRY
Some look at Lowry this season and say, “He’s bulked up.” Of course he has. He is like Chris Farley in Billy Madison — he eats everyone’s lunch. Ujiri needs to re-sign him this off-season. There’s a good chance the Raptors don’t win a championship over the course of the deal, but I will pay good money to watch Lowry try.
And when it comes to trades, Kyle Lowry is Eliot Ness.
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DEMAR DEROZAN
This guy picks one aspect of his game every off-season and makes it way better. I am requesting that Raptors staff ask him to make this summer’s project his defence. Because aside from being a tad soft on D, there is almost nothing critical to say about Derozan.
People knock DeMar for sometimes forcing his game, but I think that a lack of offensive options and set plays sometimes leaves him in situations where he is forced to force it.
Even mentioning a possible DeMar trade at this point is a waste of breath. He’s crazy-athletic, has a phenomenal work ethic, and the best part is: He’s loyal to the Raps. You couldn’t ask for more.
(On a side note, I cringe every time I hear Devlin call him “The Compton Kid.” It just seems like something you’d get beat up in Compton for saying.)
JONAS VALANCIUNAS
Oh, Jonas. Unfortunately, these days JV might as well stand for “Junior Varsity,” which is where a player with his level of confidence should consider playing.
I’m just kidding. I love the guy. Get it together, Jonas. For Pete’s sake. Make like Hedo and… ball.
The Raps should probably keep him, but he is most definitely not untouchable.
PATRICK PATTERSON
I do not believe it to be a coincidence that this season began to unravel at the same time 2Pat went down with an injury.
He communicates on defence and moves his feet faster than the grape-stomping lady. His willingness to do the little things that don’t make it to the stat sheets are what make Pat-Man the ultimate glue guy.
Keep him.
DEMARRE CARROLL
D.C. is like my 2000 Honda Civic; he’s no longer effective in the passing lanes; I fear he might die every time he drives; and I have no idea how he still starts.
However, unlike Carroll, I only paid a friend of mine one dollar for the Civic.
We can’t trade him now, so whatever further mileage we get out of Carroll is gravy. But don’t let your foolish pride allow you to neglect the brand-new muscle car from UCLA sitting in the drive way.
Speaking of…
NORMAN POWELL
My grandfather’s life was an endless blizzard of tiring days and toilsome nights working on the freight trains of the Canadian National Railway. By the time I knew him, he had bow legs from rickets and the skin on his face looked like an elephant’s, weathered with cavernous creases like roadways for sweat that had been grooved over time by cigarette smoke and the sting of bitingly cold winds. Powell spent four years at UCLA and came out the exact same way.
Never trade this person. Ever.
LUCAS NOGUEIRA
He has developed a particularly nice chemistry with Lowry. The insanely high lob coming off the pick and roll looks to be their bread and butter. He is so long that I have seen him rebound balls flat-footed over players who are jumping as high as they can.
“I can’t get enough of you, Bebe.” – Smash Mouth
Keep him.
CORY JOSEPH
Am I the only one who thinks it’s weird that the Raptors’ sole Canadian has the strongest American accent on the team? I’m not sure what to make of that.
I’m also not sure what to make of the quality of his play this year. I used to joke about how much of a luxury it was to have a super-steady San Antonio Spur on the team. But the Spurs wouldn’t stand for his current level of play.
Whatever his issue is lately, why do I get the feeling that Gregg Popovich could have him back to his normal self by the end of next practice?
I’d like to keep Cory; he’s a hometown hero and a damn fine guard when he’s playing well. But if some other team’s GM gives us a list of demands that includes CoJo, I would definitely be willing bid him a sombre sayonara. Because after all…
DELON WRIGHT and FRED VANVLEET
Normally when a friend wants to start talking insurance with me, I cross him off my list of drinking buddies. But I must say, I very much appreciate the Raptors’ current plethora of point guards. Both Delon Wright and Fred VanVleet are solid back-ups.
VanVleet has a nice, tidy game. He’s quick. Decent three-point stroke. Strong overall.
But if we are talking strictly potential, Wright’s height and length make him a more interesting player in my eyes. Point guards who are sneaky-tall — like Jason Kidd and Gary Payton — have always been my cup of tea. I’d love to see what Wright looks like before we think about parting ways with him.
As for Freddie — trade him… keep him… whatever you choose to do with him will likely benefit the club.
JARED SULLINGER
I know he was unable to run for months, but does Sully not look like he’s a happily married father of two who works behind the desk at Home Hardware and brews his own IPAs as a hobby?
In his defence, a brief stint with the Raptors 905 proved that he definitely belongs in the bigs. He nearly had a triple double in his first D-League game with next to no lift on his jumper. He is obviously a talent with a high basketball IQ.
Keep him.
PASCAL SIAKAM
This jaunty young man is brimming with confidence. I’m not sure if it’s justified, but it’s a great trait in a rookie. I love that he had no problem coming into the league as a starter on a conference-finalist team and that he has no problem putting up a 15-footer if he’s open. If he’s this confident with zero experience, wait ’til he gets some actual run under his belt!
That said, he has the next-level hustle of a Jerome Williams but the offensive skill-set of a Mengke Bateer. And while there is certainly lots of potential there, I fear that no amount of wins or losses will ever be on account of Pascal Siakam.
Trade him if you must.
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JAKOB POELTL
I call him “The Big Schnitzel.” The NBA’s first Austrian-born baller has impressed in his limited minutes this year. He looks as though he might develop into a dependable big who doesn’t make a ton of mistakes and does a good job mopping up second-chance points around the basket. I think he’ll have a home in the NBA for a long time. He’s also really big, which is a good quality to have in a centre and in a pounded piece of breaded veal.
He stays.
BRUNO CABOCLO
Bruno is two years away from being two light-years away. His length is literally scary. He looks like Jack Skellington, the “Pumpkin King” from The Nightmare Before Christmas. Why are his arms that long? What was nature’s evolutionary intention for this man? I’m pretty sure it wasn’t to play basketball.
I really like Bruno. Not as a player, but as a symbol of hope for humanity. He seems to bring out the best in people. Fans truly want him to succeed and that melts my heart. How many NBA fans can say that they have a sincere interest in the 15th man on their team’s roster? I hope MLSE can find a cushy PR job for Caboclo, but as a player… bye-bye, Bruno.