BY: CHRIS HARRISON

SPORTSNET.CA

Hooray, hooray, the holidays are here! And in the spirit of the season, we’re playing Santa to the sports world, handing out gifts to teams, players and fans. But these aren’t the kind of presents you pick up at the mall. In a special Christmas List edition, we’re tearing the wrapping paper off a few things for the naughty and the nice.

With an Olympic year about to begin, we’re sending Christmas wishes for a podium place at next summer’s London Games to Canadian shot putter Dylan Armstrong. The most appropriately-named athlete in sports was the only Canuck to win a medal at this year’s World Championships. And if anyone deserves some improved Olympic fortune, it’s Armstrong, who came agonizingly close to bronze at the Beijing Games in 2008 but fell short by a single centimetre. Here’s to better luck in London, lad.

This gift idea might be a bit controversial, but we’re hoping it pays off with a way better present next June. Sorry, new Raptors coach Dwane Casey, you get nothing...except a license to lose. Everyone knows your team just isn’t very good. Heck they may be the worst in the NBA. So feel free to slump to the bottom of the standings and stay there, boosting Toronto’s chances of lottery success at the 2012 draft. Then we’ll get you something real nice, okay?

This Christmas, we’re getting two things for combustible Lions tackle Ndamukong Suh: a series of anger management sessions, and a refresher course at driver’s ed. With his Thanksgiving Day stomp just the latest incident in a brief, penalty-filled career, Suh’s struggle with rage issues makes James Harrison look like a well-mannered gentleman. And after another car accident during his league-enforced down time, it seems Suh’s style behind the wheel leaves something to be desired. We expect better from a guy who toils in America’s Motor City.

To newly-single Lakers star Kobe Bryant, we’re gifting a team of divorce lawyers. Because he and ex-wife Vanessa never signed a prenup, splitting their many millions of dollars worth of assets could be just a wee bit difficult. The couple claim to have resolved most of their issues, but there could still be bitter days ahead. Will the former Mrs. Bryant get to keep the $4-million ‘apology ring’ she got after her husband’s calamitous trip to Colorado in 2003?

It’s the season of goodwill towards all men, so we’ve even got a gift for the man who’s on the naughty list all over Manchester. Carlos Tevez is no longer loved at United after signing with rival City. And City fans aren’t too happy with him after he allegedly refused to come on as a sub, then went home to Argentina to go golfing. But with some Christmas cheer, let’s get the co-winner of last year’s BPL’s Golden Boot award back on the pitch by giving Tevez a new team. His present: a move to AC Milan in the January transfer window.

Brand new Boston skipper Bobby Valentine is getting a disguise kit this Christmas, just in case his Red Sox stumble anytime next season and he needs anonymity from Beantown anger. We’re thinking an old Mets hat, a fake moustache and some dark glasses ought to do the trick. No one will ever know it’s him.

Our Christmas wish for Venus Williams is the oh-so precious gift of health. Tennis is better off when the seven-time Grand Slam champ is playing, something she hasn’t been able to do since pulling out of the US Open in August, suffering from an auto-immune disorder. The former world number one was hoping for a quick comeback, but recently withdrew from an Australian Open warm-up event scheduled for early next month.

While we’re handing out healthy diagnoses, how about a clear head and a hasty return for the many NHLers currently sidelined by concussions? There’s no doubt goals would be prettier and highlights more plentiful with the likes of Sidney Crosby, Milan Michalek and Jeff Skinner back on the ice. Get well soon, gentlemen.

For all those seven-year-olds in Toronto who’ve never seen a single playoff hockey game, and for the rest of you forlorn fans who can’t remember what it feels like to cheer for a winner, we’re giving Toronto the gift of a playoff team this Christmas. It’s been a barren few years in the GTA, with only a pair of short-lived Raptor playoff appearances breaking up the string of early eliminations by the Argos, Buds, Blue Jays & TFC. So happy holidays, Hogtown! Here’s to finally getting a playoff team this season...we hope.

Finally, the gift every hockey fans is hoping for: labour peace in 2012. Sports fans endured lockouts in two leagues this year, meaning everyone is extra tired of seeing the action confined to the boardroom The perfect present for the NHL and its players? Smooth sailing when they sit down to talk next summer.