Jim Lang

Tiger Woods won't be the only one sleeping alone if you buy these gifts for the wife on Christmas.

If you can believe it, this week marks the 45th anniversary of the first airing of my all time favourite Christmas special, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. It first aired on NBC and featured two Toronto natives, Paul Soles as the voice of Hermey the Elf and Larry Mann as the voice of Yukon Cornelius. I loved it as a kid and now I love it even more when I watch it with my wife and kids. Check out the classic NBC promo from back in the day;

And now on to this week's questions.

Name: Jim from Queen's U in Kingston

Comment:

Langer: Is it time to start a pool on how much money Elin Woods will get when she dumps Tiger?

Answer:

Hey Jim, sweet win for the Gaels in the Vanier Cup. Yes to your question, it is time to start that pool. At last check I read there were at least five women who claimed to have had an affair with Tiger. The higher that number goes, the more money young Elin is going to cash in from Tiger's gargantuan bank account. Think about it, in 2008, Tiger Woods made over $120 million dollars in earnings and endorsements. Tiger and Elin have been married since 2004. Do a little math and Elin might be walking away with well over $100 million dollars if their marriage comes to an end. She might come away with a quarter of a billion dollars. Of course, I hope it all works out. Although, most married men I know would be sleeping with the fishes if they were ever stupid enough to "allegedly" have an affair with five women.

Name: DJ from Parts Unknown

Comment:

Jim, another problem, I hear Tiger offered his wife $60 Million to stay with him for two years. My bride of 28 years says I watch too much sports on TV. I offered her $37.50 (CND) a $10.00 Tim's (gift card) and $8.15 (Can tire money)... to stay with me for 2 years. She says she will think about it...PLEASE some advice??

Answer:

Whoa DJ, that's a tough question. It all depends on the day. If you make dinner, clean the kitchen and willingly give up the converter to let her watch Desperate Housewives because you tell her you're tired of all that football; then you can cut a good deal. But if you tell her you're going to get right at that "honey-do" list but decide to watch Patton for the 40th time while she's out running errands with the kids and walks in the house and discovers you're sleeping on the coach with the dog and cat at your feet and nothing has been done; well then, you better start cashing in some RRSP's because you are dead meat. Not that I would know what that is like or anything. Now, most women I know wouldn't demand money. They would just calmly inform you that you are going to be sleeping outside all winter and the shed is completely off limits. As far as the too much sports and paying your wife to stay with you, you need to come up with a plan "B". Cut a deal, tell your wife that you still get to watch all of your sports, and in exchange you will do something to help her out around the house. Like, clean the bathroom once every three months or sweep the floor every four or five weeks. That sounds like a very fair deal to me.

Name: Jeff

Comment:

Hey Jim, I am having loads of trouble figuring out what to get my wife for Christmas; any recommendations?

Answer:

Hi Jeff, this is a very timely and very serious question for married men across Canada. Please, oh please, don't do what I did for my wife on our first Christmas together as a married couple. My wife likes home renovating and decorating so I thought I would buy her a power tool for Christmas. I honestly thought I was being such a nice guy when I went out and bought her a Ryobi one and a half horsepower HP Router Kit. I mean the thing was awesome and included a sweet carrying case. Let's just say I didn't exactly win her over on Christmas morning when she opened up the box and realized I had given her a power tool instead of a necklace or some crystal wine glasses. At first I thought I was witnessing tears of joy. Think again. So Jeff, play it safe this holiday season; jewellery, crystal, Royal Doulton, a weekend at a bed and breakfast, anything but a power tool. The power tool was bad, but a buddy of mine made the heinous error of actually buying his wife one of those Swiffer mops for Christmas. Let's just say it was a very lonely yuletide for the guy.

Name: Allard29 in Ottawa

Comment:

Jim, we all know where Hockey Town USA is, but do you know where Hockey Town Canada is? I am from that town, and I am curious to see if anybody outside of the town knows that it is officially Hockey Town Canada. Also with Maple Leafs Garden in the headlines lately, it was also featured on the last episode of Flashpoint. Sadly I have never been to MLG and love the history of the place, I would like to know, are there really secret passages from the Hot stove to the Leafs room and from Ballard's old apartment?

Answer:

Hi Allard, hope all is well. Everyone knows that Hockeytown Canada is beautiful Pembroke, Ontario; home of the Lumber Kings. It's too bad you were never able to make to the Gardens. It didn't have quite the same karma as the Montreal Forum, but it was still an iconic NHL rink. As far as the secret passages at the Gardens, there was one that went from the dressing room to the Hot Stove Lounge; but contrary to popular belief, there were no secret passages from Ballard's apartment.

Name: Dale

Comment:

Hi Jim, who has the best hair style in the NHL?

Answer:

Hi Dale, this is a very tricky question. I am a big fan of the mullet because I used to have one myself. So Ryan Smyth is always near the top of my list because of his Hall of Fame mullet. Alex Ovechkin gets a few votes for that insane mop of hair on his noggin. Although his team mate Mike Green has a way better lid. The Oilers Sheldon Souray has a good head of hair on him. But without a doubt, the best hair style in the NHL right now belongs to Scott Hartnell of the Flyers. It takes a lot of guts to go through life with the Geico Caveman look, but somehow Hartnell is able to pull it off.

Name: Donnie the Oilers fan

Hey Jim, like reading your answers to questions. I was wondering, where did or who started the NHL playoff beard? I was watching the first game of the '90 Stanley Cup Final from the Oilers' "Ten Most Important Games in their History" box set, and there were only a few guys that had a playoff beard. When did it get to most players doing it?

Answer:

Hi Donnie, I love this question. I know that Denis Potvin, Ken Morrow and Butch Goring would grow these gnarly mountain man beards during the Islanders glory days in the early 1980's. The Flames sported some of he best playoff beards ever when they won the Cup in 1989. It all depends on the team. Some guys like Sidney Crosby can't grow a real beard. Scott Niedermayer can grow a full on ZZ Top beard in under two days. As a general rule, teams started doing it in the 1980's. The Devils and the Red Wings had some good beards during their Cup wins. Having said that, both teams had a few guys who remained clean shaven. There are guys that just refuse to grow the beard because it bugs them and there are other guys who don't grow them because their wives won't let them. I have always been a fan of the Brendan Shanahan playoff goatee. You also can't discount the George Parros or Randy McKay playoff porn stache.

As always, I was blown away by the quality and the quantity of questions that I received this week. Keep them pouring in.