Tiger Woods, a man once thought of as a lock to finish his career as the greatest golfer of all-time, turns 40 today. Tiger Woods, it must now be pointed out, will not end up the greatest golfer of all-time. As he blows out 40 candles he sits at 416th in the World Golf Ranking. So Happy Birthday, Tiger. We got you this list of unknown and obscure (and CANADIAN!) golfers who are all better than you at golf right now.
1. Florian Fritsch (298th)
2. American Steve Marino (327th, no relation to Dan (as far as we know, we didn’t really check))
3. Robert Dinwiddie (331st) who managed to miss the cut at something called the Dubai Duty Free Irish Open Hosted by the Rory Foundation
4. Dickey Pride (330th in the golf rankings, significantly higher on our list of golfers with cool names)
5. Magnus A. Carlsson (323rd)
6. Rose McGowan (316th). WAIT! SORRY! We meant “Ross”. It’s Ross McGowan. Sadly.
7. Donghwan Lee (328th)
8. Tadahiro Takayama (318th)
9. Adilson da Silva (324th) (Also ahead of Woods in the race to challenge for a UFC belt)
10. Robert “Don’t stop the” Rock (321st)
11. Mikko Korhonen (301st)
12. K.J. Choi (302nd) (How the mighty have fallen)
13. “Jonathan” Rhys Davies (311th)
14. CANADIAN Nick Taylor (337th)
15. Jazz Janewattananond (342nd)
16. S.S.P. Chawrasia (213th)
17. Vijay Singh (253rd) (No. 2 on the list of names on this list that really hurt Tiger Woods to look up at)
18. C.T. Pan (284th)
19. Morten Orum Madsen (288th)
20. Jamie Lovemark (207th, aka Jamie Hickey, but not to his face)
21. Thaworn Wiratchant (231st)
22. Angelo Que? (226th, question mark added for emphasis by editor)
23. Inhoi Hur (234th, with 102 total words in his Wikipedia entry, including references and links. Woods’ Wikipedia page has 8,461 words, not including links or references)
24. CANADIAN Adam Hadwin (229th)
25. Dawie van der Walt (217th, of the golfing van der Walt’s, oh surely you must know them. They’re all the rage down at the country club. You’re not a member, you
say? Oh that’s simply tragic. Well best of luck to you. Ta ta!)
26. Colt Knost (230th, with a bullet—the bullet that his name sounds like)
27. Roope Kakko (233rd)
28. Maximilian Kieffer (198th, and again, far higher on our list of golf names)
29. Graeme Storm (197th, coolest Graeme on this list)
30. CANADIAN Graham Delaet (158th, second-coolest Graham on this list)
31. Wu Ashun (168th)
32. Kelly Kraft (412th, but alliteration is cool)
33. Blayne Barber (388th, see above)
34. CANADIAN Richard T. Lee (405th)
35. Rodolfo Cazaubon Jr. (363rd, winner of November’s Lexus Peru open in a playoff over Kent Bulle)
36. Kent Bulle (375th)
37. CANADIAN David Hearn (119th)
38. Matt Every “Person On This List Is Better Than Tiger” (123rd)
39. William McGirt (129th)
40. Phil Mickelson (34th)
Happy Birthday, Mr. Woods. Here’s to 40 more.