I'm headed to Detroit today, with exactly five days to hype up Game 1 of the Stanley Cup Finals.
By the time we get to Saturday, I will have exhausted every story angle.
Which team is more experienced? (Edge: Detroit)
Which mascot is better? (Edge: Pittsburgh)
Which city is more attractive? (Edge: Neither)
So as I sit here in the terminal waiting to board my flight to Windsor (sounds glamorous, doesn't it?), here are my five notable things to look for in this year's Stanley Cup Finals.
The Setting:
This series will be a showcase of the greatest skill and talent the game has to offer. But instead of watching this marvelous display of hockey artistry from the luxury of a modern facility, we will be confined to Joe Louis and Mellon Arena. This is like watching a Broadway performance of Les Miserables from a dinner theatre at your local Denny's. It just doesn't seem right. The only thing worse would be if the league announced the teams will play a neutral site Game 7 at the old Continental Airlines Arena in New Jersey.
Predictable Stories:
Over the next few days, you will see a myriad of stories trying to illustrate how young these Pittsburgh Penguins are. Someone will write the story that Sidney Crosby wasn't even born when Chris Chelios played his first game in the Stanley Cup Finals in 1986. Or that Marc-Andre Fleury got his first pair of goalie pads for Christmas the year Nick Lidstrom broke into the league. And just in case you were wondering, when Gary Roberts won his first Stanley Cup in 1989, I was a Grade 7 student obsessed with playing Blades of Steel and writing fan letters to Alyssa Milano.
North American Nicknames:
If I told you this series could come down to Gino vs Hank, you probably would think I was out to lunch. But every Red Wings player refers to Henrik Zetterberg as "Hank", while all the Penguins call Evgeni Malkin "Gino". Let me tell you how confusing this can be to an outsider like me. In Ottawa, we call Daniel Alfredsson "Alfie" and refer to Andrej Meszaros as "Mez". It's pretty straightforward with the Euro-nicknames. But after Malkin dominated the Senators in Game 1 of their playoff round this year, a bunch of Pens players told me, "Gino was great tonight." I seriously had no clue who Gino was for about 20 minutes. Was Gino Odjick back in the league? Did Gino Vanelli sing the anthems before the game? Only afterwards did I realize they were talking about Evgeni Malkin. I'm sure during the course of this series, I will find out that Pavel Datsyuk is named "Petey" and Jarkko Ruutu is "John".
Celebration Note #1:
If I'm the Red Wings front office, I would be certain to hire extra Michigan State troopers to patrol the visiting dressing room at Joe Louis Arena in the event the Penguins win the Stanley Cup in Detroit. The reason? To bust down Sidney Crosby and Jordan Staal if they try and take a sip of champagne from the Cup. Underage drinking should not be tolerated. The troopers could ensure there is plenty of apple juice, Yoo-hoo or sparkling grape available for the younger Penguins to enjoy. Even more humiliating would be to force Crosby and Staal to drink from a sippy cup version of the Stanley Cup.
Celebration Note #2:
A few of you may recall that I (incorrectly) predicted the Penguins would miss the playoffs this year. If they win the Stanley Cup and I have to be inside their locker room for the celebrations, it could be a tense scene. Short of being told by Sportsnet that I have to cover a Stanley Cup parade on Yonge Street, this is the most awkward event for me to cover. I basically wrote off the Penguins in September and now they are four wins away from winning it all. So if the Penguins do beat the Red Wings, I'm hoping there is enough champagne (or sparkling grape) in everyone's eyes so that the players think I'm Ahmad Rashad, Suneel Joshi or any other minority sports reporter who didn't pick them to miss the playoffs.