In a Sportsnet.ca exclusive, Santa Claus has revealed the contents of a letter sent to him by Mike Brophy outlining his Christmas wish list for the National Hockey League.
It is time to ho-ho-ho hold down the payments.
No, wait a minute. That’s from that dumb commercial.
Let’s start again.
It’s time to look under the Christmas tree to see what St. Nick Kypreos, er, Santa Claus has brought this year. Yeah, that’s more like it.
To Mats Sundin: The Complete Hockey Dictionary; please see rental player.
To Alexander Semin: A filter for your mouth. Sid the Kid doesn’t need extra motivation from loose-lipped Russians.
To Vinny Lecavalier: The same motivation that got you your seven-year contract.
To Marty Turco: Your last two seasons of playoff games on a special How-To DVD.
To Brian Burke: A game plan. You weren’t dealt the same hand in Toronto that you were in Anaheim. Then again a reported $3 million a year stipend should help ease that pain.
To Joe Nieuwendyk: A voice in the new Leafs management group.
To Chris Chelios: A spot in the starting six on the Red Wings defence for the entire playoffs.
To Ray Emery: A quick return to the NHL. That is the league you belong in and your attitude seems to have genuinely changed.
To Wayne Gretzky: The eighth and final playoff spot in the Western Conference.
To Ryan Getzlaf: The No. 2 centre spot for Team Canada at the 2010 Olympics behind Crosby.
To Brendan Shanahan: A final half season to cap a wonderful career.
To Mike Gillis: Acknowledgement of the terrific job he has done in a short time to build the waning Vancouver Canucks into a contender.
To Mike Commodore: A new jersey with the No. 64.
To Dion Phaneuf: A kick-start to a season that is rapidly getting away from you.
To Shae Weber: Continued success and a Norris Trophy nomination.
To Barry Trotz: A Jack Adams Trophy. Nobody accomplishes more with less.
To Craig Conroy: A lifetime contract to do motivational speaking when your career ends.
To Garth Snow: John Tavares or Victor Hedman. Getting one of those two guys is the only way you’re going to revive the Islanders.
To Lindy Ruff: A spot on Team Canada’s coaching staff in Vancouver.
To Marc Savard: A first- or second-team all-star berth this season. You have earned it!
To Sam Gagner: A compass to negotiate his way out of a horrific sophomore slump.
To Dan Cleary: Another opportunity to take the Stanley Cup home for a day to Carbonear, Newfoundland.
To Joe Thornton: A breakthrough playoff performance.
To Jeremy Williams: An entire year in the NHL.
To Steve Moore and Todd Bertuzzi: A peaceful settlement to a conflict that has dragged on long enough.
To Jassen Cullimore: A tip of the hat for a solid, if understated long NHL career.
To Ryan Malone: The understanding that a long, big-bucks contract is not supposed to be the carrot; the Stanley Cup is.
To Brent Sutter: Something…anything…that will make you smile.
To Mathieu Schneider: One more trade to a contending team.
To Ian White: A mustache trimmer.
To Maxim Afinogenov: A return to the NHL. What? He still plays in the NHL? Oops, sorry.
To Pat Quinn: A WJHC gold and one more shot at winning the Stanley Cup as an NHL coach.
To Dean Lombardi: One more high draft pick and then a 10-year playoff run.
To my pals at The Hockey News: 100 more years of excellent, entertaining hockey coverage.
To Bob Cole: One more shot at calling a game in the Stanley Cup Final.
To Sean Avery: Some humility and a second, er, third, er, fourth chance.
To Darren McCarty: The family life he dreams of after making huge life changes.
To Jeremy Roenick: A Stanley Cup ring as he rides off into the sunset.
To Steven Stamkos: Five more minutes of playing time per game.
To Pat Morris: One full year of peace and quiet. (You need to know he is Avery and Bertuzzi’s agent…nuff said)
To Phil Kessel: A Rocket Richard Trophy. You’ve just got to admire the way this kid has bounced back from adversity.
To Chris Pronger: A suspension-less Stanley Cup playoff run.
To Sean Pronger: Recognition as one of hockey’s most entertaining bloggers.
To opponents of the Philadelphia Flyers: The option of declining power plays. The Flyers are lethal when playing shorthanded.
To Jay Bouwmeester: A trade to a team in an actual hockey market and then a long-term contract.
To Sidney Crosby: More goals and a good second wind to carry his Penguins back to the final.
To Alexander Ovechkin: A trip into the second round of the playoffs.
To Roberto Luongo and Martin Brodeur: A return to health and their rightful place as the NHL’s top two stoppers.
To Joe Sakic: A neighbourhood kid to clear your driveway.
To Derek Boogard: A single-season high of 16 shots. You can do it…I know you can.