A letter to Canucks fans

Dear Canucks fan,

From the sounds emanating from inside Rogers Arena of late, we were wondering: When did you give birth? We hadn't even known of your pregnancy, but yet we keep hearing the sounds of crying babies.

Please excuse our inattentiveness to your ever-growing needs. We'll start shopping for a gift immediately.

What's that? The baby needs a new goaltender?

Well, sure ... But we thought you already had a Canadian Olympic team starter, complete with the Vezina and Jennings dress-up bundle. Can't we just send along the camper? Or the puppy waterpark set?

Oh, that's not good enough for the Vancouver baby? They want more than that? We see.

Well, maybe Senators fan can look around his place and find a superior goaltender to send out as a shower gift. Let's see ... Craig Anderson ... Nope. Alex Auld ... Woah - definite nope there.

No, nothing here even resembles your 'B' goalie. You know, the Cory Schneider one that comes with the G.I. Joe haircut.

Maybe Jets fan can help. He'll start searching for the perfect goalie for Canucks fans, right after he finds HIS SECOND WIN OF THE SEASON. Leafs fan can courier out The Monster - but he's proven to be even scarier than his name would suggest. Definitely not appropriate for a baby the likes of the one in Vancouver.

Oilers fan? You haven't even made the playoff in five years. Can you spare some empathy for those poor souls in Vancouver, who have been forced to soldier on with only Roberto Luongo in their goal, the poor kids?

Well, Canucks fan, it looks like this may take more effort than we'd thought. We'll continue to scour the country in search of the perfect cherry to rest atop that championship-calibre sundae you have in Vancouver, and we won't rest for a moment until YOU are happy.

And we'll hurry up. Because, of course, we wouldn't want you to get impatient and trash your downtown core or anything.

In the meantime, buy a soother. The whining and crying is killing us out here.

Signed,

The rest of the country.

---

Actually, I never wrote that. It was a direct transcript from a secret meeting held deep beneath the streets of New York City, where Gary Bettman, Al Capone, and Roger, the alien from American Dad, continue to plot against the Vancouver Canucks.

OK, all right. No more sarcasm. (By the way, have you charged anyone yet in those riots?)

The truth is, the rest of Canada has had a long laugh this week watching the circus out in Vancouver.

The Sedins disappear in the playoffs, and Luongo gets buried by Canucks fans. The best power play in the NHL has a rough night, going 0-for-8 against the New York Rangers, and can't score despite 40 shots on net. So, naturally, the home fans boo ... Their goalie?

Seriously - do you recall how the Sedins played in the Cup final, Canucks fan?

What about Mike Gillis, the general manager who signed Luongo to that gold-watch, retirement package? Or a management team that keeps drafting Danes and Swedes, while the team that pushed you out of the Stanley Cup final has a local kid by the name of Lucic on its roster?

This is a team whose ultimate goal is to force the opponent into penalties, then bury it on the power play, which works great - mostly. The problem is, it also employs just enough divers and embellishers that when the big games arrive the referees are so fed up they stop calling penalties.

Is that also Luongo's fault?

It got so bad this week in Vancouver that even the editorial board of the Vancouver Province weighed in under the headline: "Editorial: Here's our solution: Deal Lou for Vincent."

Just in case the many veteran, knowledgeable hockey writers employed by The Province - the guys who go to the rink every single day - hadn't thought of it, the editorial geeks came up with the idea of unloading Luongo's contract on the Tampa Bay Lightning in return for Vincent Lecavalier.

It seems the only sane voice in the city these days belongs to Schneider, who is also the one man who would benefit most by Luongo's departure.

"For a guy who has done more for this franchise than any other goalie probably in the history of the team, you'd think he'd get a bit of slack or some more leeway before they really get on him," Schneider said earlier in the week. "He's a top-three, top-five goalie in this league. I know he's not playing like that right now. He knows that.

"But you'd think, two (home) games into the season, it wouldn't be like this."

You would think a lot of things, if this were a normal, everyday Canadian hockey town. But it's not. It's Vancouver.

They want it all, and they want it now.

Mark Spector is the senior columnist on sportsnet.ca