This article originally appeared in the October 6 edition of Sportsnet magazine. Subscribe here.
Click this link, hockey fan. Marvel at what is laid out before you: the outcomes of the 2014–15 NHL season, revealed in their entirety as though by time lord or sports witch.
Consider the toll of bringing forth this information. The corporation that owns this magazine dished out $5.2 billion to broadcast hockey—and we just totally ruined the ending. WE REGRET NOTHING! (Nothing, that is, until Rogers replaces the lot of us with a self-writing sports algorithm: Google Hot Take™.)
A quick glance reveals we’re not in for many surprises during the year ahead. Edmonton and Calgary remain conjoined twins of hockey futility. Vancouver is good but not good enough. And Montreal does just fine playing the season without a captain—which is apparently a trendy new way of manufacturing either team leadership or, possibly, a boy band. Ladies and gentlemen, the Four Alternates! Andrei is the Shy One.
Meantime, the Maple Leafs miss the post-season yet again—as per the terms of my soul-selling contracts with Satan, Voldemort, Darth Vader and, just to be safe, the shark from Jaws. Wait ’til they find out I already gave away my soul when I was 12 for half a Crunchie bar and a Farrah Fawcett poster. (PS: Worth it.)
Toronto’s underperformance in 2014–15 can’t come as a shock given that Phil Kessel bragged in training camp about how little he’d worked out over the summer. At this point in his career, Kessel is basically trolling the media, the whole of Leafs Nation and the very concept of abs. Mark my words: By January, he’s going to come over the boards for a power play carrying a plate of fries.
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Let’s look now to those who’ll compete for the Cup. Detroit makes the playoffs for the 24th straight season—the longest streak of note in hockey if you don’t count how long Don Cherry has gone without completing a sentence. Meanwhile, the Sharks’ season will once again be the Liam Neeson movie of the NHL: No matter how it begins, it ends in carnage.
To me, the biggest surprise of the first round is Colorado taking down the Pacific-winning Ducks. That’s a tough loss for Anaheim. On the other hand, despair and failure are the fathers of creation—and humanity will be forever grateful for the cool new swears invented during the series by coach Bruce Boudreau.
Also worthy of note: The Blue Jackets win their first-ever playoff series, which is terrific news for Ron, Carol and Steve. (The term “Columbus fans” is so impersonal —why not just name them all?)
The conference finals look great if you’re a casual Canadian hockey fan with some gardening to do. Tampa Bay defeats Pittsburgh in the renewal of a classic hockey rivalry that dates back all the way to the beginning of this sentence. Out west, meanwhile, Los Angeles outlasts St. Louis in one of the most thrilling series I will ever fall asleep to on my couch.
The season ends with Dustin Brown raising the Cup yet again; with the birth of the first hockey dynasty since the Oilers of the 1980s; and with Tampa’s fan base so distraught that it takes them several minutes to shrug it off and go for all-you-can-eat crab at that place with the Jimmy Buffett tribute band.
For those irritated by all these spoilers, rest assured: Many mysteries remain about the year ahead.
How many Alex Ovechkin voodoo dolls will new Capitals coach Barry Trotz receive from friends at Christmas? On which date will the first Stars fan be moved to say: “Oh, that’s why Ottawa let Spezza get away.” When will Randy Carlyle be fired—and how will the ever-inept Leafs botch his firing? Will they text the wrong number? Will they accidentally dismiss Carlyle’s twin brother even though he doesn’t have one? Will the skywriter spell out “You’re hired!” by mistake?
Only time will tell—but either way, Phil Kessel will be there to knock off early and grab a milkshake.