You can no longer lie to yourself. If there was a Hail Mary, it fell short of the end zone. A buzzer-beater? It rimmed out. The bottom-of-the-ninth rally? Fizzled. We’d use a hockey metaphor here, but you’re depressed enough already.
Tonight, at 7:30 p.m. ET, the pucks will not drop. Your fantasy team will score zero points, and not just because you made terrible picks. The Bruins are not in Philadelphia and the Senators are not in Montreal. They are in Russia and Sweden and the Czech Republic, and at home on the couch in their underwear with a beer, just like you. But they are not in your city, on your TV or wearing the jerseys you’ve invested far too much time and money in supporting.
It doesn’t matter whose fault the NHL lockout really is. We don’t care about that here. We care about you, the hockey fan, and we care about getting you through this empty autumn, potentially bleak winter and perhaps crushingly depressing spring in one piece.
To that end, we offer advice. We’ve lived through this before, fans. We can do it again. Stay strong.
Q: I typically watch about 1.5 hockey games a night from October-June. That’s about 932 hours I’ll need to fill if this thing lasts all season. Oh lord, I feel empty already. What can I do?
A: For starters, you can suck it up. You have options here. A recent poll of hockey fans found that 61 per cent of them planned to take in some junior hockey while the NHL is out, 30 per cent of them planned to follow other sports, 17 per cent planned to play hockey video games and another 17 per cent will be – astonishingly — actually playing the game itself. Now, 932 hours sounds like a lot. But it’s not, really, when you do the math.
Today, for instance, if you go exploring around the wide world of sports, you’ll find four Ontario Hockey League games, three Kontinental Hockey League games, four MLB playoff games, an NFL game, five preseason NBA games, the first round of the Frys.com Open, the semifinals of the World Golf Finals in Turkey, three NCAA football games, Roger Federer and Novak Djokovic in action at the Shanghai Rolex Masters, the best female tennis players in the world in early-round action in Australia and even the series-deciding tilt in the WNBA Eastern Conference final.
Roughly calculated, that’s 86 hours of sports — and you’re getting off easy because the world’s biggest soccer leagues are on hiatus for World Cup qualifying, the WHL and QMJHL don’t play Thursday because they didn’t schedule games to compete against what would have been the NHL’s big season-opening games and the American Hockey League season doesn’t begin until Friday. So, in short, stop feeling sorry for yourself. It’s a great time to be a sports fan.
Q: I’m an NHL hockey fan. I need my NHL fix. I’m not interested in CHL, AHL or KHL hockey. I don’t care how good it is. I only want the best. What can I do?
A: I can tell from your letter, sir, that you’re a Torontonian, and I’m sorry that your location somehow prohibits you from enjoying some of the best hockey on the planet. Look, I can’t send you to a sold out Air Canada Centre, but I can send you to places where you’ll see a better, cheaper product than you’ve been watching since, well, since the last time we did this sad little lockout dance.
You may be surprised to know that seven of the Ontario Hockey League’s 20 clubs are a 90-minute drive or less away from downtown Toronto. They are found in suburbs and small towns and have been known to attract boisterous locals who passionately love the game — so much so that they have somehow overcome the lack of sushi in the arenas — and are willing to both cheer themselves hoarse and pay less than $10 for a pint of beer. It’s astounding, I know, but it’s true.
Many of these games are also on television, and I promise you the 5,000 or so fans in those barns will give you just as much atmosphere as you’ll find in any Toronto arena. (Those of you in the rest of the country may already be familiar with this phenomenon of quality hockey being played at levels below the NHL.)
Q: I give up. I hate these selfish jerks, the owners and the players both. I need a new sport. Where do I go from here?
A: This is a unique opportunity for you. Think of it as getting back into the dating scene after a divorce. Don’t rush into anything. Look around and see what’s out there. You may be pleasantly surprised to learn that you’ve been settling all these years. If what you’re looking for is simply a lack of labour issues, then you probably want to jump right into the MLB playoffs. Baseball hasn’t had a work stoppage since 1994 and despite everything you might have heard (possibly from NHL owners, most likely in 2004) about the lack of parity in a league without a salary cap, five of the 10 teams who qualified for the playoffs come from the bottom half of the league’s payroll list.
Then again, if all you’re looking for is a league with a similar approach to the NHL when it comes to tangling every issue related to the sport up in knots, until you just want to grab the nearest piece of heavy sporting equipment and whip it at the commissioner’s head … then NFL football is the sport for you. As a bonus, all that hand wringing you did over concussions during the last NHL season can be seamlessly carried over to your new sport.
And finally, if you have a limited non-hockey attention span and plan to abandon your new sport the second the NHL returns, then just bone up on the Lakers, Heat and Thunder and spend a few months as an NBA fan. It’s perfect. By the way, the NBA does have a salary cap. No, you don’t need to bother learning about the other 27 teams in the league.
Q: If there’s no season, the NHL will have to do a weighted draft lottery again, so every team will have a shot at the top pick, right? That means my team will likely be denied the No. 1 pick that I’ve come to understand is rightfully ours. No fair!
A: Sadly, Oilers fan, that is what will likely happen. And if the lottery is based — as was the case in 2005 — on the overall records and playoff appearances of the past four years, your boys would be neck and neck with the Blue Jackets and Islanders. But if we assume that history will repeat itself, you’ll probably get hosed in what fans will claim is a shady backroom move and 2013’s No. 1 pick will go to a large U.S. market whose fan base is supremely anxious as it faces the loss of a legendary superstar. So … good news, Red Wings fans!
Q: I’ve been thinking of putting my feelings into a song. I feel like this would help me express them. I’ve heard it works for bad relationships. Good idea?
A: Therapeutic, perhaps, but not original. NHL lockout songs are, for some reason, all the rage these days. You can find(1) examples(2) all over(3) the Internet(4). And then you can find the same songs with a second set of lyrics(5). So while a song may help you feel better, please get some objective feedback before subjecting the good people of the Internet to your comedic styling. Good luck!