NHL Power Rankings: Sad Stories in 4 Words Edition

Toronto drops a close one to Calgary while Winnipeg wins in a shootout, Montreal takes out Tampa, Vancouver gets by Colorado and the Oilers come up just short in New Jersey.

Twitter user Amy Rios only had a few hundred followers this month when she fired out a simple call to action: “Write the saddest story you can using only 4 words.”

The creative writing assignment has since been retweeted more than 500 times and favourited more than 1,200 times, spawning countless bleak narratives, ranging from hilarious to depressing.

“Ladies and gentlemen, Nickelback!”
“Storage is almost full.”
“I shaved for nothing.”
“She loved me less.”

With hockey minds quick to jump on all things Twitter, of course the parlor game has trickled into NHL discourse.

In honour of Ms. Rios’s challenge, we present the first NHL Power Rankings: Sad Stories in 4 Words Edition — a tragic tale for each the league’s 30 clubs. A power rankings column only 120 words long? Sign me up.

Rank Team
1

Holtby out till July.

Previous: 1

2

“House of Cards” cancelled.

Previous: 5

3

Panarin bolts for KHL.

Previous: 2

4

Wayne Simmonds not suspended.

Previous: 11

5

Defence does win championships.

Previous: 7

6

Sutter cancels media availability.

Previous: 3

7

Stamkos confesses Babcock man-crush.

Previous: 4

8

Okposo walks July 1st.

Previous: 12

9

Critic hurts Crosby’s feelings.

Previous: 13

10

Brent Burns suffers alopecia.

Previous: 8

11

Eighty-two games versus Kings.

Previous: 6

12

Kesler wins Lady Byng.

Previous: 16

13

Larkin starts dulling skates.

Previous: 10

14

Hopes rest with Ott.

Previous: 14

15

Broncos overshadow Avalanche resurgence.

Previous: 9

16

Seth Jones, Norris winner.

Previous: 20

17

Karlsson offers Phaneuf captaincy.

Previous: 21

18

Kinkaid only healthy goalie.

Previous: 15

19

Staal won’t waive no-trade.

Previous: 17

20

Byfuglien relaxes during summer.

Previous: 24

21

Ron Hextall slashes… budget.

Previous: 18

22

Canucks recall Chris Higgins.

Previous: 23

23

My column: “Trade Subban!”

Previous: 30

24

Turns out, Henderson embellished.

Previous: 25

25

“Wins” fifth overall pick.

Previous: 26

26

Not in Matthews lottery.

Previous: 19

27

McDavid deemed “not generational.”

Previous: 27

28

Gilmour detests nickname “Dougie.”

Previous: 28

29

Had fun at All-Star! (Oops, a Saad story.)

Johansen’s sixth scoring title

Previous: 29

30

Twenty-three players healthy scratched.

Previous: 22