Watch: Torres more violent in Taiwan

April 20, 2012, 4:57 PM

Director of Taiwan-based Next Media Animation, speaking to his crack team of CGI animators (translated to English for your convenience):

“OK, fellas. We need to do something with all of this National Hockey League anarchy that has taken not only the hockey world but the Mandarin-speaking world by storm.

Yes, the actual hockey plays have been a touch on the violent side – a crosscheck to the neck here, a helmet-cracking turnbuckle slam there – but we really need to drill the point home.

I want to see splatters of crimson human blood. Not just hitting the ice, but smattering the faces of the fans in the stands. And they love it.

I’ll leave the Penguins up to you: they can be men in Pittsburgh uniforms or actual Morgan Freeman-style birds. I’m giving you that creative freedom.

Oh, let’s get ol’ boardroom Brendan Shanny outta retirement and back on the ice. Why wait three days for him to hand out justice? He can just run out there mid-game and clean up the mess like that guy who squirts Gatorade into the ice divots during TV timeouts.
But keep him in a suit. We want this cartoon to be classy.

Incorporate a high-five in the mix somewhere. A high-five let’s everyone know that this is about sports.

And give that Torres fellow a nifty pair of rocket skate, will ya.”

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