The fourth and final episode of Epix’s Road to the Outdoor Classics features Wayne Gretzky scarfing down a delicious mid-game hot dog, Alex Pietrangleo chirping his head coach, and Nazem Kadri’s desire to switch positions.
“I seriously think the games would be more fun if we played outside,” Pietrangleo tells his teammates during the Winter Classic. “It’s way more fun.”
Here are the seven greatest things we learned from Episode 4…
Kadri wishes he played defence
The best exchange of the final episode occurs as “old” Leafs Morgan Rielly, James van Riemsdyk, Nazem Kadri and Jake Gardiner shoot the breeze during their outdoor practice.
Kadri: “I wish I played D.”
Rielly: “You’d suck at D. I’ve seen you skate backwards.”
Kadri: “Why? I’m smart. I f—–‘ got viz. I can make a first pass.”
Gardiner: “Why don’t you switch, then?”
Kadri: “Well, it’s too late now. I’m a f—–‘ centreman in the National League.”
Gardiner: “Do you like when Lucic’s coming down on you a thousand miles an hour? Do you think that’s fun? Or Zack Kassian—think that’s fun? Switch to D, if it’s that easy.”
Then there’s a good line about how tight Gardiner’s chin strap is fastened.
The overwrought narration is getting a bit much
After years of this TV series building up the hype and importance of outdoor regular-season games, some of the scene-setting spiel, which Bill Camp reads in a dulcet tone, is starting to sound overwrought.
Over slow-motion sprays of water on ice and overhead shots of stadia, Camp speaks of “the universal rhythm of all great achievements,” of “striving to match lofty legacies of the past,” and instills in us that “the grandest aspirations yield the most extraordinary rewards.”
I love me some hockey, but it’s all a bit rich. I wasn’t quite sure whether to yawn or puke, so I did both.
How many hot dogs can one Gretzky eat?
Much better is when Road realizes that regular-season hockey games aren’t always life-and-death struggles between human vulnerability and epic courage.
“We’re at a baseball stadium. I need a dog,” Gretzky says, walking into the dressing room during intermission of the Winter Classic alumni game.
Someone quickly scurries to fetch the Great One a platter of ballpark hot dogs, but he only takes one.
“We were up there wondering, ‘How many hot dogs do you think Wayne Gretzky can eat?” says the girl holding the tray of maybe sandwiches.
The answer is one, with only mustard.
(Brief aside: When I was a kid, I had the highest reverence for Gretzky and the Oilers and my dad would teasingly call Wayne “The Wiener” in effort to rile me up. So watching Gretzky munching a wiener in high definition gave me a measure of happy/weird nostalgic closure.)
Babcock gets up at an ungodly hour
Episode 4 opens with Maple Leafs head coach Mike Babcock already awake, dressed and driving his pickup to the rink at 5:30 a.m. No one should be that ready that early unless they’re rushing to catch a flight. But excellence does not sleep, nor does it have time to waste in rush hour.
“You’re the only one up this morning,” says Babcock’s unseen passenger, presumably wishing he could’ve hit snooze.
“That’s lots of mornings,” Babcock replies. “But it makes for no traffic in Toronto, which works out pretty good.”
A wise friend once gave me a great tip (that I may even put into practise one of these days): Always arrive at work earlier than your boss, even if it’s by five minutes. No Leaf is arriving earlier than Babcock.
Blues seize a chance to poach the Cardinals’ batting cage
Fun scene.
After talking trash, Scottie Upshall nearly takes of Ty Rattie’s head with a come-backer to the mound. In an unrelated incident, Rattie was waived shortly after the Classic and claimed by the Carolina Hurricanes.
In general, the Blues come off as a fun-loving, good-natured group in the series. Captain Alex Pietrangleo has a great chirp at his sun-protected coach, Ken Hitchcock, during their outdoor skate.
“Sick glasses. Where’d you get those, Walgreens?” Pietrangelo says, smiling.
Hitch removes his shades and looks at the price sticker on the inside: “These cost $69.95.”
“Oh, OK,” Pietrangelo says. “So you got ’em at Shoppers.”
Would’ve loved to hear some player reaction to Hitchcock’s Classic hat.
Zetterberg makes a Red Wings fan’s wish come true
Jager Perreault, an 18-year-old Detroit Red Wings fan undergoing treatment for leukemia, gets to hang around his favourite team’s dressing room during the Centennial Classic and even call out the opening roster, thanks to the Wings, the NHL and Make-A-Wish Canada.
The kid was particularly overwhelmed at meeting his hero, Henrik Zetterberg.
“It’s something you dream of, but you don’t actually think would come true,” Perreault says.
Blues execute the league’s best roll call (that we know of)
A recurring scene in these shows is the call-out of the team’s starting lineup in the dressing. St. Louis puts a nice twist on this tradition before the Winter Classic as Hitchcock reads out the Blackhawks’ starters name by name, and the Blues respond to each one with “Who?”
“Keith.”
“Who?”
“Toews.”
“Who?”
Great stuff.
One-Timers: Bonus Observations
Nazem Kadri tries on Lanny McDonald‘s vintage helmet…. Bryan McCabe, watching the current Leafs go through a lengthy pre-practice stretch routine: “You used to drink coffee. That was the warm-up.”… Red Wings alumnus Darren McCarty laments the lost art of the between-benches chirp: “Remember back when you could actually make the other bench laugh?”… Johnny Bower, age 92, on forgetting the Leafs players’ names: “I don’t even remember my wife’s name half the time.”… The Blues and Blackhawks’ alumni goalies aren’t too old to use a selfie stick…. The Steve Ott–Matt Martin fight that popped off in the third period of the Centennial Classic was foreshadowed in Period 2 by Martin offering to go “anytime you want, you pigeon.” After winning the scrap, Martin fires this bit of venom at Otter: “You’re a f—–‘ joke, your whole f—–‘ career.” Yikes. No wonder the penalty-box chirping went on for about four minutes after the fact…. Babcock‘s favourite Classic in-game refrain from the bench: “Let’s be shooters.”… Nice peek into the Leafs’ room between periods two and three, when they stormed back into the game. Babcock looks at his troops and says, “You gotta ask yourself: ‘Do I got more?’ “… After winning the Classic, the Blues awarded signed sticks to the Epix cameramen for following them around for a month. Classy…. Overall, in-game hockey chatter is some beautifully profane, simplistic poetry, isn’t it?
