Some indoor fun for those whose wives won't let them play video games.
As much as I want a Wii for Christmas, I don't think my wife is going to give in this year. She is still emotionally scarred from spending the first year of our marriage watching me play Madden '99. For some reason, she never appreciated the greatness of Marshall Faulk in his prime.
I've tried to sell her on the benefits of the Wii for the family. She can use the Wii Fit to have a serene yoga class in our own living room. (She would just have to try and ignore the screaming kids and mountain of toys that would be surrounding her during these fictitious yoga sessions.)
But much like the Adult Movie Theme Pack, the Wii is not going to be entering our household.
I have to admit: I'm jealous of my friends who have the Wii and go bowling and downhill skiing on a nightly basis. Our kids are wasting their time reading books and doing crafts. We have no competitive, physical activities in our house. Just a whole lot of glitter and glue.
I've tried to come up with my own version of indoor sports to keep my competitive juices flowing.
So for all of you people who don't have the Wii -- or won't be getting one for Christmas -- here are the six best indoor sports games to play:
Game No. 1: Marshmallow Baseball
What you need: A marshmallow and a wooden spoon or ruler.
How to play: One person is the batter, holding the wooden spoon or ruler. The other person is the pitcher, using the marshmallow as the ball. Attempt to strikeout the batter, using an array of cutter-mallows and off-speed junk.
Insider Tip: If you are the pitcher, hide a marble inside the marshmallow. On the first pitch, bean the batter with a high, inside pitch. That will teach him to crowd the plate.
Game No. 2: Magazine Surfing
What you need: A carpeted floor and a very glossy magazine. A copy of Cosmo, Chatelaine or Vogue will suffice.
How to play: Place the magazine on the carpet. Take a running start and try to surf on the magazine for as long as possible.
Insider Tip: If you want to preserve an aura of masculinity, use a Maxim magazine instead of the ones listed above.
Game No. 3: Kitchen Curling
What you need: Non-stick cooking spray, checkers game pieces, a clean kitchen floor and a very forgiving wife.
How to play: Spray the entire kitchen floor with the non-stick spray to give it a slippery surface. One team uses the black checkers and the other person uses the red checkers. From a distance of 20-30 feet, follow the basic rules of curling, by trying to slide your game pieces as close to the oven as possible. Pieces that slide under the oven will be trapped there until you actually move the oven to clean the floor (Like that will ever happen).
Insider Tip: When your wife gets home, flatly deny that the floor is slippery. Then ask her if she may be suffering from vertigo or another balance-related condition.
Game No. 4: Blackberry Typing Race
What you need: Two people with Blackberrys. Preferably on the Rogers wireless network (Shameless plug).
How to play: At the exact same time, each person has to type "The quick brown fox jumped over Zarley Zalapski's leg" (That ensures every letter of the alphabet is used). First person to successfully e-mail it to the other person without a mistake wins.
Insider Tip: Have a friend call your opponent at the exact time the contest starts. That way his screen will read "Incoming call" while you are halfway to victory.
Game No. 5: 3-Point Sock Competition
What you need: Freshly rolled, clean socks and a dresser.
How to play: Open your sock drawer just wide enough so that a pair of socks can fit inside. Stand 15 feet away from it and start firing the socks in rapid-fire succession. Give yourself a point for each pair that makes it into the drawer and each pair of white socks counts for an extra point. And if you still wear white socks, shame on you.
Insider Tip: To make this game truly authentic, give yourself a Detlef Schremp haircut before you play.
Game No. 6: Kids Sleeper Suit Races
What you need: A minimum of two kids in sleeper pajamas (the flannel kind with covered feet) and a carpeted staircase.
How to play: Each kid starts at the top of the staircase. And then, on the count of three, they race to the bottom of the staircase while sliding (feet-first) on their stomachs. The adults can have fun by placing small bets on which child will win the race. $1,500 per race is usually a nice, moderate starting wager.
Insider Tip: If you suspect a loved one has a gambling addiction, please seek help.
If you have any other great ideas for indoor games, please send them along.
