BY STEPH ROGERS AND ANNE T. DONAHUE – FAN FUEL BLOGGERS
There’s something in the air, and it looks like it’s spread all the way from Anaheim to Toronto. Kingdoms are left without direction as their rulers’ bats are silenced. Leaders who have redefined what it means to be in your prime have left a sliver a doubt in even the most committed fans. Albert Pujols, new leader of the West finished April with zero home runs. Not even one. Jose Bautista, reigning king of the AL East has suffered nothing less than a frustrating first month at the plate.
There are so many ways to love Bautista – from intentional walks, to redefining what the meaning of “if looks could kill” actually is, to those home runs that make you say OMG. Toronto hasn’t lost faith. His at-bats offer up applause and encouragement from the stands, and the number 19 is still arguably worn on the backs of more fans than anyone else.
We’re here to offer solutions. One of the solutions is that no Dallas Green song will ever get you (or me) pumped up to hit baseballs. Fine, we are still a little bit in the bitter barn from the time when he got to throw out the first pitch AND sit in the TD Comfort Zone in the SAME GAME. Don’t people cry to that music after break ups and stuff?
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Another solution is that when Sergio Santos is finally up and running, that he actually emerges from the bullpen in a vehicle with flames down the side to Dragula. Has anyone seen Chris Perez come out to that song in Cleveland? There’s like, a laser show that accompanies dragons and digital fire on the scoreboard. I mean, how is Sergio supposed to successfully close a game out with a less-than spectacular entrance?
Nevertheless, May is here and it’s time to get that little something-something back for Joey Bats. It’s early (in May), but we’re off to a great start. Fast cars! Shooting stars! Cue Kanye’s All of The Lights and let’s get on with the 10 songs we think Jose Bautista should consider walking up to:
Steph’s Picks:
1. Peter Cetera – “Glory of Love”
Why? I know that a lot of people are dreaming fondly of Brett Lawrie crushing red bulls and baseballs (at the same time), and Tuesday night’s walk-off was a treat. For me though, the hero has always been a little more mature and a lot more bearded. Jose, I know that you’re the man that wants to fight to restore honour to the little team that could in 1992 and 1993. You’ll never leave us alone, and you’ve earned the patience of this city – and you gave us a May preview with that colossal second-deck homer above my head on the first day of the month. If you look closely at the replay, you can see me praying underneath the level of people who caught the ball. My shirt was neon green.
2. Refused – “New Noise”
Why? If this song doesn’t get you pumped up enough to want to knock a tall right-hander around a little bit after they’ve just hit you with a pitch, there is not another song that will. While the first minute of the song is great, it’s at 1:07 is when you’re going to step into that batter’s box, take off your mask and SCREAM (as in, hit the ball extremely far, while the fans do the ear-piercing decibel work for you).
If there is any regret that I have in this life, it’s not tracking down any and all members of the original group and forcing them to play this song live in my basement. Wow, that sounds a lot like a horror movie. Call me, maybe. Whatever, I was an angsty teenager who wore a lot of band shirts. Don’t pretend like you weren’t.
3. Missy Elliott – “Work It”
Why? Give me all your numbers from 2011 so I can phone ya (.302/.447/.608). There I go again with the phone calls. I don’t know a single person that doesn’t want to shake it and/or hit fastballs to this song. If you don’t, I’m glad we don’t know each other, and I’m going to throw your phone number in the trash.
Maybe this April hasn’t been good to you Joey Bats, but neither was April 2010 when you only hit four measly home runs and didn’t have Twitter for millions of fans to say “u da best, plz RT.” Just keep your eyes on the badonkadonkdonk (the prize – 1,000 home runs in 2012). Secret’s out! I’m an aspiring rapper. Get on base and then boy oh boy, it’s good to know you!
4. N.E.R.D – “Rock Star”
Why? Ten years ago when this song was released, we all saw ourselves running on the top of cop cars, yelling “YOU CAN’T BE ME!” That was long before the whole G12 cop car on fire/billion dollar yard fence situation. YIKES.
In 2012, we’re all looking to you, Jose. We can’t be you. Ten years ago, maybe you didn’t believe you could be you either. You’re on the cover of MLB12: The Show. Now that you are, don’t be scared. You are a rock star and we’re all a bunch of posers (in our Bautista t-shirts, praying that normal men could grow such immaculate beards). There is no cover curse. This isn’t a Nancy Drew book or the movie starring Julia Roberts’ niece. I think if there’s anything really exciting you could do to break this alleged ‘curse’, is that every time you knock a dinger, thousands of copies of MLB12 can fall from the sky. If anyone gets a copy and they don’t have the proper device to play it on, the game turns into a puppy.
5. MC Hammer – “Can’t Touch This”
Why? You didn’t go anywhere, Jose. I mean, you probably went on a vacation to a destination resort in the off-season and HECK, you earned that vacay. Next time one of my friends complains that they need a vacation from their boring job where they get to sit down all day, I’m going to be all like, “Oh, sorry guy. I didn’t realize you hit 97 home runs over the last two seasons.”
Long before he donned double-breasted blazers and pants, Hammer was just a little guy dancing in the parking lot at the A’s Coliseum, where he quickly became the bat boy for Oakland based on his flair and ability to do the splits. I think what I’m getting at, is you could very easily ask the Jays’ bat boy if he would mind dancing on the on-deck circle wearing genie pants and holding a boombox to inspire you. You’re too legit to quit, and if you can’t groove to this then you’re probably dead. Hammer time. Da-da-da-da…
Anne’s Picks:
1. Grimes – “Oblivion”
Why? Okay, so first and foremost, let’s get my pretentious underground artist pick out of the way immediately. (Have you guys listened to Grimes? Listen to Grimes! Grimes is awesome!) Second, “oblivion.” You know, a direction in which you, Jose, tend to hit the ball towards on the regular. Throw in the combination of the song’s beat and the fact that the video takes place at McGill during one hell of a football game, and we have the understated sports theme of 2012 and the reason you’ve just proved haters wrong the world over. And you know where those haters can go? Into oblivion. (The word, not the song.)
2. Quad City DJs – “Space Jam Theme”
Why? YES, I KNOW IT’S A BASKETBALL THEME STOP YELLING. But have you ever heard of a little word called “reclamation”? By choosing the ultimate sports anthem of 1996, not only will you instigate a full-scale dance-meets-cheer situation, you’ll technically take the glory from Michael Jordan, star of the beloved children’s film, Space Jam. (EVER HEARD OF IT?) Also, according to that little fact sheet about Colby Rasmus I saw on the TV, you’ll give your centre-fielder the opportunity to take a little step closer to meeting his hero, so let’s play some basketball (baseball, yes, I know STOP YELLING).
3. “Original Mortal Combat Theme Song”
Why? Well, I’m going to be honest with you, J-Beauts: I had no intention of including this little gem until it came up on the same playlist as the “Space Jam Theme,” so you can thank me now for changing your life for the better and instilling fear into your opponents. I mean, picture this: the dome goes silent. Fans sit still in anticipation. Suddenly, the war cry of “MORTAL COMBAT!” echoes through the stands and walls and BOOM, you are right there at the plate and nobody even saw you get there because WHAT? (MAGIC.) That’s when the pitcher hands you the ball (literally, with his hands), you throw it in the air and you hit it all the way until the next night’s game when the screams of “MORTAL COMBAT!” (and subsequent bass drop) wakes the opposing pitcher up in the morning and plagues his psyche until he is only a shell of a man. Hello, World Series.
4. Bruce Springsteen – “Born To Run”
Why? Oh, I’m sorry – I’m expected to justify a Bruce Springsteen pick? Um, okay, well not only can the man wear jeans (why isn’t somebody’s celebratory handshake just holding up the cover of Born In The U.S.A. and popping their hip?), but he upholds the very values that echo the American dream! (The American dream = playing baseball professionally. That’s what it is, right?) I mean, not only are you technically born to run (hit, slide, catch and bunt), but a little B-Ruce will add a little spring to your step and quadruple the batting average you had at the end of last year. Why? Because he quadruples everybody’s batting average whether they play baseball or not.
And if you really want to emotionally damage the Phillies this season, change your song to “Streets Of Philadelphia” on the first series night and screen Philadelphia in the background of the first four innings. It’ll be really hard for them to play defense when they’re weeping from the fourth inning onward. (Jose: 1 Others: -6.)
4. B) Bruce Springsteen – “Secret Garden”
Why? Okay, well now I’m just going through my iTunes and I’m having flashbacks of the whole Jerry Maguire “you had me at hello” thing, and HELLO INDEED, because I think we found the perfect song for a slow-motion jaunt around the bases. This will be even more effective if nobody else is in slow motion at all, and you are just very, very slowly running and every team member takes off their hat as you pass them because they just KNOW, and everyone in the dugout is crying, and your baby walks down into the field, and she picks up a bat and then hits a homerun too, and it’s like a LEGACY, you know? (And all of a sudden everyone’s wearing jeans.)
5. College – “A Real Hero”
Why? DID YOU GUYS SEE DRIVE? I hope so because everybody saw it and everybody bought scorpion jackets because of it, or at least that’s what I tell myself because I still can’t believe I spent 14 months rent on a coat when I can’t afford to buy Kraft Dinner, but that’s neither here nor there. Let’s just cut right to the chase:
1) Jose Bautista, you are a hero, so the naysayers can just step right back and remember that you’ve done a lot for this team, and we all have off-days. (ALL OF US. I am writing this in bed drinking cold coffee out of a Tim Hortons cup for heaven’s sake – and I woke up at 3 a.m. to eat a granola bar.)
2) Remember how stone-cold cool/terrifying Ry-Gos was in Drive? You’re just like him! (Minus the murders and the professional driving.) But I mean, you go up to that plate, and you hear the start of this song and it’s just like, WELL let’s just retire completely, opposing team, because you know who wins? The antagonist. Always. At least in my version if Hit: The Jose Bautista Story.
3) Anybody can have a “pump-up” song, but you are Jose-Effing-Bautista, and you don’t play by the rules. Neither did Ryan Gosling in Drive, and that’s why he wore a scorpion jacket. You can’t wear one of those, so you just hit home runs.
Bonus:
Steph and Anne’s together pick:
DJ Khalid – “All I Do Is Win”
Why? You’re welcome. We just swept that two-game series against Texas! Losses to Darvish don’t count.
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