BY STEPH ROGERS AND ANNE T. DONAHUE – FAN FUEL BLOGGER
Another Toronto Blue Jays/Washington Nationals game, another day where Brett Lawrie and Bryce Harper didn’t participate in a made-for-reality-TV series of head-to-head challenges at the Rogers Centre like we all dreamed that they would.
In other news, the bullpen needed a break. After the second-longest streak in the majors for starters going at least five innings way back when the season was young, the Blue Jays have had a little bit of trouble pushing through rough stretches lately. Like the worst parts of 2011, the bullpen has again fallen victim to over-work and under-appreciation.
Luckily, Tuesday night provided some relief to the relievers. Henderson Alvarez picked up his sixth loss, and is now 3-6 with a 3.87 ERA. He had a similar outing at Rogers Centre to his last start in Chicago, where he allowed three runs in seven innings against the White Sox. Alvarez hasn’t won a start since May 10 in Minnesota.
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Washington (37-23) picked up its fifth consecutive win, sinking the Blue Jays 4-2. Somehow, Chien-Ming Wang got the win, despite having a 7.18 ERA against the Blue Jays (31-31) in his last five starts. We hoped for a repeat of his August 2007 visit to the RC, where he gave up eight runs in 2.2 innings. No wishes were granted. The genie we purchased from a street vendor was totally bogus. Despite walking five Blue Jays, Wang walked off the mound a winner.
Other winners? Anyone who bikes to Nationals Park in Washington, where there is a free bicycle valet. Our friend Amy, just like Alvarez, didn’t win at the Rogers Centre. Someone let all of the air out of her bicycle tires, because there is no bicycle valet.
1. Brett Lawrie stays true to himself
SR: I like that Brett Lawrie is reliable. I can count on him to cheer me up with his hashtags on Twitter when I’m having a hard time remembering what it’s like to laugh, and I can count on him to unsuccessfully try to steal second the first chance he gets. Being in the lead-off spot has made this a guarantee that he will try to be on second base before Colby Rasmus even has a chance to hear any of his Yelawolf walk-up song. I APPROVE, COLBY. Let’s roll.
AD: If there’s something to be stolen – whether it be the hearts of those girls we thought were spelling out “3B” a few weeks back or a base – Lawrie will try. And if his career as a baseball player doesn’t pan out, there’s that little dance he did (thanks, Blue Jay Hunter!) after leaping off second only to leap back on again.
“His legs flail about as if independent from his body!” – Chandler Bing re: Lord Of The Dance/Brett Lawrie
SR: As I always say, it wouldn’t be a baseball game without a river dance. Enthusiasm and passion, guys.
2. Henderson Alvarez picks up the loss
SR: The Talented Mr. Alvarez hasn’t been himself as of late. Alvarez allowed four runs on nine hits. While he struck out three Nationals batters in seven innings of work, his ERA is now 5.50 in his last six starts. Unfortunately, the home runs Alvarez served up to the youngin’ Bryce Harper, Jhonatan Solano, and the two-run shot from Danny Espinosa were the demise of the Blue Jays last night. I wouldn’t be surprised if the Nationals watched “You Got Served” on the plane to Toronto, in anticipation of a dance off. Maybe it happened after the game. Maybe it happened between Bryce Harper and Brett Lawrie, which is what we all really came to the ballpark for (because no one actually likes Interleague play – except for Carlos Villanueva’s sixth career hit in Atlanta on Sunday).
AD: Something’s going terribly awry in terms of our starting pitchers. And when I say “something” and “terribly awry” I mean “now Morrow’s on the DL” and “it’s okay, Alvarez, we all have those days.” Now, the giant “BUT WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO THE ROTATION?!?!!?” question looms, and I’m sure tonight didn’t help with the worry-load.
But you know what will? Several seasons of The West Wing, which I’m desperate to tie into this somehow because WHAT IS UP, Washington, DC, where the White House is. I mean, Bryce Harper is such a Josh. Or maybe a Sam. Just as long as he’s not a Mandy. (Sorkin fans, you know what I’m talking about.)
SR: Aaron Laffey and Evan Crawford took the place of one Chad ‘Don’t Call Me Balk’ Beck in the bullpen, taking the ‘pen numbers once again up to eight. What’s brewing, President Farrell? Even though there isn’t a fifth starter needed in the Oval Office until later this month, is the return of an eight-man pen a sign of things to come? Changes in domestic policy (Laffey getting a start)? Revisions to foreign relations (long-man Carlos V dipping his toes into starting, 2011-style)? I am really trying with the politics here, but I’m going to blame my Poli-Sci prof from university for being as close to the worst teacher I’ve ever had in my life as possible. She is Mandy, more or less.
3. The girl beside Steph with six One Direction bracelets
AD: But I wasn’t at the game with you tonight. DID SOMEBODY STEAL MY BRACELETS?!
SR: I thought maybe there was a One Direction concert after the game because they were so well represented in my section, but as the lights turned off, I did not see One Direction come out onto the mound to perform both of their singles. My section was the Canadian chapter of the One Direction fan club. I tried to barter my watch to the girl with the bracelets and told her she could tweet a picture of it to Jose Bautista, watch connoisseur.
AD: I heard the band’s “Beautiful” song is based on Jose’s relationship with his watches. (“You don’t know you’re beautiful.”) (“That what makes you beautiful.”) (“Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.”)
Just kidding, you guys, one of those quotes is from a commercial starring somebody famous.
SR: “Words won’t bring us down.” – the bullpen, about to relive 2011 through a Christina Aguilera song. I wonder if any members of One Direction were even alive when Christina Aguilera was making music.
4. EVERYONE LOVES BRYCE HARPER, WE GET IT, ETC.
AD: And congratulations, Bryce Harper! You did a good job! You’re only upping your average (at .307 as of Tuesday night) during your stay in Toronto, and minus being thrown out at third by Jose on Monday (and clocked in the jaw at the same time), you’ve just had a banner series. But let’s relax, everybody. Mr. Ashby, in particular, who I would like to hire maybe as my personal publicist because I don’t think I’ve heard anyone boast that much enthusiasm about a single person in my entire life (even Buck Martinez’s feelings on Brett).
And I will not comment on Bryce being born in 1992 because it isn’t professional for me to say he’s still a wee little pup and I could have babysat him and probably still should because KIDS TODAY, am I right, guys? (If you’re reading this, Bryce, call your mother. I bet she’s worried.)
SR: Let’s not forget that Mr. 1992 was caught stealing second (just like our very own Brett Lawrie-Harper) after he ‘bunted’. It was an error to me, unless I Google the replay of that and it says otherwise, but I am not prepared to do that. Darren Oliver said, “You got served!” as he and Jeff Mathis teamed up to get Harper off the basepaths.
And fine, Harper. You went 3-for-4. Ask J.P Arencibia if you qualify as one of his stars of the game, because you’re not one of mine.
AD: Harper. It’s not just a river in Egypt.
SR: ‘Athletes’ are a river in Egypt, and I bet Bryce Harper gives river boat tours there. He really does do it all.
5. Jose Bautista hits his 18th home run this season
AD: “Thank you sir, may I have another!” – what I imagine the ball says after sailing into the direction it is usually hit (helpful if you hear this said in a British accent)
SR: It came RIGHT TO ME*
*about twenty metres (give or take twenty more metres) to my left.
AD: DID YOU HEAR A LITTLE BRITISH VOICE?
SR: Yes! But I think it was the girl with the One Direction bracelets, practicing what she will say the next time she wants to purchase another bracelet from a One Direction concert. The Watch Collector knocked his 18th homer off of Chien-Ming Wang with one out in the fifth, scoring Brett Lawrie. A comeback seemed possible. It all seemed possible!
AD: That’s what made it beautiful.
6. Edwin Encarnacion is an acrobat
SR: Edwin ran at that alleged bunt from Harper in the first at-bat of the eighth like an Olympic gymnast in a gold-medal tumbling routine. We already know Edwin is completely capable of acrobatics, diving into the camera bays to catch fouls and whatnot, but this was something different – something exhilarating.
I’ll say that the umpiring crew gave him a perfect score (mentally), and rewarded the Jays when Harper was thrown out at second during Ryan Zimmerman’s at-bat, mere moments later.
AD: This is exactly like when Buddy Cole started his baseball team in Kids In The Hall. Without everything other than the gymnastics routine he performed while rounding the bases. But whatever. “Ta da!”
SR: My mum says that people make fun of you when they’re jealous. Guess what, Bryce? I’M JEALOUS.
AD: Ta. Da.
7. Darren Oliver’s eighth inning
AD: And what a call to the bullpen it was! Sometimes “scoreless” is a blessing. Just like, say, an episode of The West Wing where nobody cries (me). Let’s just say that this inning was NOT like the episode where Mrs. Landingham dies.
The game, however, kind of was.
SR: Oliver retired Ryan Zimmerman and Adam LaRoche. I punched them both out from my seat with all of the zest of an angry home-plate ump. Thanks for coming to work, boys.
Adam, I’ll forgive you for that K, but I won’t forget it (and neither will the scoreboard on my fantasy roster). I really need to stop giving a hoot about my fantasy team when I pretend like I don’t give a hoot about my fantasy team.
AD: In the words of Mariah Carey’s “Fantasy,” shoe do do do do do do do.
SR: I don’t even know myself anymore.
8. Jay-Z’s “Big Pimpin'” was played right after the game at Rogers Centre
AD: Well that’s a step up from Cleveland’s “Just Because I’m Losing” Coldplay song that happens. Remember that, Steph? How good winning felt on Opening Day in the Cleve?
SR: After a less than desirable loss where the bats (again) fell staler than the crackers I ate earlier as a snack, hearing “Big Pimpin'” made me feel like the Blue Jays won the game after all.
AD: Censored or uncensored? (I mean the crackers, not the song. And more specifically, I really mean “salted.”)
SR: I’ll be forever snackin’.
9. The Honduras national soccer team had wine with Steph; Anne listened to the radio
SR: Okay, by had wine ‘WITH’ me, I mean that I was writing this story alone, and they walked past me to applause and cheers from people sitting/standing near me.
AD: CONGRATULATIONS TO THEM! And to you! Although I will say that they are the real winners for hanging out with MY FRIEND STEPH, EVERYONE.
SR: Why are people cheering? No one even scored in the game. Like, not Canada, and not Honduras. NO ONE SCORED.
“Great effort! You didn’t do anything! But neither did the opposing team!”
AD: You know, it takes courage to travel in groups wherever you go, which is what I’m assuming they must do or why else would they be all together after hours when they don’t really need to be? GOOD JOB, YOU GUYS. YOU PRACTICE TOLERANCE (of each other).
Meanwhile, I sat comfortably at home ringing in the Best Show’s 500th episode (after the game – don’t worry, everyone), which I’m currently listening to now. Maybe THAT’S why everyone was cheering: because hosting a radio show from 2000 – 2012 is no small feat. Do you think we can make our podcast last 12 years, Steph?
SR: BIG PIMPIN’, SPENDING G’S.
AD: 500 of them!
SR: Or eight = price of one glass of wine. Generating offence = priceless.
Follow them on twitter @tenrowsofpearls and @annetdonahue, or listen to their podcast, Awesome Sh*tty Things. Good day to you.
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