BY STEPH ROGERS AND ANNE T. DONAHUE – FAN FUEL BLOGGERS
Fan Fuel Blogger/sports journalist Steph Rogers and her best friend, pop culture and comedy writer/baseball enthusiast Anne T. Donahue team up to bring you nine game highlights on a semi-regular basis. Nine highlights = nine innings, because they are clever. Also, 10 highlights seem daunting.
The Toronto Blue Jays avoided being swept on Sunday afternoon with a 9-2 win over the Baltimore Orioles. Some birds weren’t meant to fly, but neither of these teams are called the Ostriches.
Have your say: Do you have a great idea for a blog and want to write for Fan Fuel? Email us here. | Who’s hot, who’s not for Blue Jays
1. Drabek prevails
SR: Every time I see KD (I assume that’s what everyone is calling Kyle Drabek these days), I get a little worried. I also assume everyone is aware that KD was on a really rough emotional roller coaster last year, on like, a track that wasn’t ever going to end. It was a little bit like Final Destination, only it doesn’t end in actual death, it just ends in Las Vegas.
AD: First of all, imagine what would happen if KD was sponsored by actual KD. Second, I concur. And I say “concur” because I really need to prove myself as a professional, and saying “agree” is a disgrace to that cause. So let’s just say what we’re all already thinking: EXPLAIN, STEPH.
SR: Okay, so KD brings his baby-blues into the starting rotation and basically falls apart. He leaves town with a 5.70 ERA in June and then goes on to “work on things” in the Jays triple-A affiliate in Las Vegas. The only thing he really worked on was his mental breakdown strategies and increasing his ERA to 7.44. Everyone was like, “Great, we lost the Halladay trade. Big time.”
AD: BUT PSYCH! Little did they know the truth. (According to today where he earned that standing ovation, thank you very much.)
SR: I was so proud. I felt like he was my little brother and he finally overcame all of his annoying little-brother things he was doing (like overusing his fastball and walking every single player on the opposing team). He allowed two runs over 7.1 innings, only one of them was earned, and it looks like he’s killing the strike zone. A fine outing. Just absolutely fine. I’m handing him his knapsack and sending him off to school now.
AD: AND SPEAKING of fine pitching … (segway!!!!!)
2. Evan Crawford’s debut
AD: THIS HAPPENED! Toronto hosted Evan Crawford’s official cotillion and I am not lying when I say the only thing it could have used was more shots of Marissa Cooper’s dad being punched in the face. (Let’s just get over ourselves once and for all and accept that there’s never a wrong time for references to The O.C.)
SR: I’ve been watching Crawford hike his socks higher over the last two days, since Sergio Santos’ gift to him (the birth of his third child) meant Crawford got his call-up from New Hampshire to join the team in Toronto. He’s been walking around the ol’ pen with the same smile that Bradley Cooper has in He’s Just Not That Into You when he sees Scarlett Johannsson teaching yoga. And for good reason. That baby wrote Crawford his plane ticket to Toronto by hand. With his little, tiny hands.
AD: Imagine the shock on Santos’ face when the baby was born, demanded a pen and said “I don’t understand why everyone’s staring and not handing me an MLB chequebook.”
But actually. What I thought – and felt, and hoped, and dreamed – was that Crawford came in seeming so confident. Yeah, this was his major league debut, but it was literally like he was pitching to Scar-Jo and thinking, “Jennifer Connelly will never find out.”
SR: What Jennifer Connelly could find out, by visiting any baseball reference site, is that Crawford performed in his first rodeo like it wasn’t his first rodeo at all. If his heart was pounding, no one knew. He pitched the eighth, allowed only one hit and now has a major-league K under his belt. I hope his family has the premium cable MLB package and PVR-ed the HECK out of that game.
AD: And if they don’t, I bet one of you could become Evan’s best friend by sending his mom a YouTube clip. (Not even of him pitching, just maybe of a really cute cat and/or dog. The choice is yours.)
3. Encarnacion kicks ass
SR: One thing I really hated about 2011 was everyone whining about Edwin Encarnacion every time he picked up a bat. What you have to learn about Edwin Encarnacion, is that when he smiles, the whole world smiles.
AD: My favourite part about Double-E is how this time last year, crowds actually booed him. It was the worst! Actually uncomfortable to be privy to, and super mean, when you think about it. And now he is their second coming of Christ, hitting home runs and smiling like a timid tiny Baby Jesus in his official Blue Jays photo. Last year’s errors simply seem like a Benny Hill sketch gone awry, and I choose to forget them because I am kind.
SR: Maybe we could say that he’s a timid Santos baby, arguably Evan Crawford’s proverbial saviour.
Encarnacion is the pinnacle of consistency, and Drabek didn’t even need the help today. Eddie went 2-for-4, with two runs and two RBIs. And NBD, he put his third homer over the outfield wall today. Might need to start calling him Edwin Extra-bases. He is on fire, and he is smiling a LOT.
4. Brett Lawrie does not steal home
AD: Success! If the whole game’s success level was dependent on Brett Lawrie not stealing home, I’d say this game was a triumph. I’m still not ready to forget what happened on Saturday. I mean, WHAT HAPPENED ON SATURDAY?! Have we all asked ourselves and Brett Lawrie that question enough? Why would he do that? “I will steal home and be the game’s hero,” is what he obviously thought. Unfortunately for him, this did not work out and he was likely treated to a verbal lashing by Jose Bautista, who I think probably stared into his soul in the way he tends to when he hits a home run and stares down the pitcher.
SR: I would never, ever, in my entire life (or even my second life, if we’re getting really serious here about souls and whatnot) want to be the pitcher who is stared down by Bautista. It seems like there might be a curse involved. But seriously, anyone who would literally run to the plate and take the bat right out of Jose Bautista’s hands while the bases are loaded? I just wanted to hop onto the field with ‘YOLO’ written down my back and ask him if it was a joke.
The worst part about Lawrie trying to steal home, I mean, other than the obvious failure that it was, is that he didn’t stop there. He tried to steal second later in the game, with the final out of the inning again in question as Arencibia (who is really only capable of hitting home runs) was at the plate. I think the lesson in all of this, is that maybe you drink one or seven fewer Red Bulls before the game.
AD: #CleanItUp
5. Anne eats a delicious McDonalds lunch
AD: Like, it was just so good. I had McNuggets and fries and a Coke, and the only thing I would probably change is that they only gave me one sweet and sour packet which is basically obscene. WHY DO THEY ONLY GIVE YOU ONE PACKET? What is that even about? Do you know they charge you for any extras? I do because I used to work there, so no, this is not being sponsored by McDonalds, but yes, I will take free McDonalds because only a moron would pass up free McDonalds, and I am only an idiot when it comes to anything but fast food.
SR: I (regretfully) did not have McDonalds for lunch. But if you think I didn’t load my bag with gas station snacks before the game and then eat all of them, you don’t know anything at all.
AD: I don’t doubt you, and that’s why we’re friends..
6. Steph does not kill the girl leaning over the bullpen rail wondering who #42 is
AD: Maybe if the whole game’s success was dependent on this, it was a total triumph. Are you sure she was being serious?
SR: When she said, “Hey No. 42! Can I have a ball!?” and then followed it up with an aside to her friend where she said, “Oh my god, there are two No. 42’s! What are their names?”, that’s when it all got dirty. Someone didn’t come to work on time. Or notice that it’s only the most important day in the baseball calendar, where tributes are paid league-wide to the man who changed the face of the game. For one day, and one day only, every single player is allowed to honour Jackie Robinson by wearing his number.
AD: But wait, which one is #42? (PSYCH! #LOL #HelpMe)
SR: This is the part where I tell everyone it was actually Anne asking. PSYCH! Again, remember how she was watching from bed with the McNuggets?? She wasn’t even there!
AD: But every time you smell McNuggets, know that I am there, beside you, always, in spirit.
7. The year of Mathis
SR: There’s something to be said about catching. It’s not an easy job. You’re on your knees, taking hard balls…. this is not going the way I wanted it to go. It’s not easy. Mathis is one of the worst offensive catchers in all of baseball. There’s a little thing called the “Mendoza Line”, and Mathis likes to hover a little below that. Google that at work when you’re bored.
Jered Weaver said that he’s going to miss Mathis, who spent six seasons with the Angels. I’m going to take Weaver’s 18-8 record from 2011 and the 2.41 ERA he posted as a sign that there are good things to come from Mathis. Also, he looks a bit like Kid Rock, and I’m really into the song ‘Let’s Roll’ featuring Yelawolf right now. Fine, there have only been three at-bats for Jeff, but J.P Arencibia is hitting .071 and that bores me.
Ultimately, to combat one’s horrifically scary batting average, it’s good to be worthy on the defensive side. Mathis isn’t the best guy, but how many passed balls and mishaps has Toronto seen from the main-man behind the plate?
AD: Let’s just say that sometimes I want to rename J.P. “Kevin” because we need to talk about him.
8. Kevin Gregg’s meltdown
AD: Yikes. I mean, thanks for the runs, Gregg, but somebody get him a tea and maybe a nap.
SR: No one is happier than the entirety of the Jays fan base for Kevin Gregg not being our closer any more. Rest in peace, 2010.
No one is angrier than Brian Matusz, who picked up the loss despite Gregg facing seven batters that went something like: single, three doubles, two walks, hit by pitch. You do the math. That is not my next fast food order. W-L records are disturbing. Yes, I understand how it “works”. No, I do not “agree”.
AD: I was genuinely surprised Baltimore didn’t call to the bullpen earlier than the five runs he gave up.
SR: I just felt bad for him at that point. Plus, all the hate in the Rogers Centre would make anyone feel terrible. We do that to our own people. TO OUR OWN! (See “Encarnacion kicks ass” for details). I mean, not us, but Toronto as a fan base.
AD: “WE LOVE YOU FOREVER (as long as you play perfectly and never, ever act like a regular human being)!” – the Toronto fan base.
SR: Unless your name is Brett Lawrie. We will still love you.
9. Titanic
SR: It’s the 100-year anniversary of the sinking and the deaths, and today is the first time the Blue Jays have lost a series to the Orioles at home since June of 2008. Yikes.
AD: Well where to begin? They let go, when they promised they’d never let go. They did not meet anybody at the clock. “So you wanna go to a real party?” is what I believe Brett Lawrie heard when he decided to steal home. “I’m the king of the world!” is what every Oriole player said except for Kevin Gregg who ignored Buck Showalter and said he’d “make his own luck.”
All of us were Jack Dawson this series, guys. But in this alternate ending, we said to Rose, “Hey. Give us some wardrobe door. Because we’re boarding that goddamn life boat.” And then we did.
I’m flying, you’re flying. We’re all flying. Jack.
Follow them on twitter @tenrowsofpearls and @annetdonahue, or listen to their podcast, Awesome Sh*tty Things. Good day to you.
Related read:
More Baseball: Bard shows promise for Red Sox