The joyful enigma that is out-of-work goaltender Ilya Bryzgalov was invited to participate on Sportsnet’s trade deadline broadcast. To the surprise of no one — except for maybe the world’s greatest Colby Armstrong fan — Bryzgalov stole the show.
While the Bryz awaited his turns on set during the 10 hours of live coverage, he was stuck backstage in the same waiting area I typed out a running blog.
His comments on the trades, the socialism and the aliens often made it difficult to type through the tears.
Here are 25 things we overhead the lovable Russian say — on air and off — during Wednesday’s marathon.
• “When I hear my voice, it sounds disgusting.” —upon listening to playback from his first segment
• “My God, look at my stats!… And they say Bryz terrible.” —watching as a technician calls up his hockeydb page
• “When I talk English, I’m still computing.”
• “It’s nothing going to happen. Today we have a false start. GMs not up on West Coast.” —on the 8 a.m. ET showtime
• “I didn’t get much time on TV. They give me only three minutes. I need an hour at least to explain myself.”
• “Me? Back in the studio? Finally! Again three minutes?” —on getting ready for his second in-studio appearance
• “[Shane Doan] deserves the opportunity once and for all to compete for the Stanley Cup.”
• “Marty Hanzal is a good player. He is not a difference maker.”
• “Guys! Breaking news! Orlando Bloom and Katy Perry broke up.”
• “Guys! A question! Is chicken meat? Or is it a bird?”
• “Good for him. Lots of sun. Ocean. Play the beach ball with Jaromir Jagr.” — on Thomas Vanek’s trade to Florida
• “I’m an old-school guy. I believe in oil and gas. I don’t want to save money. I want to spend money. More money I spend, better for the economy.”
• “Look what the people saying: ‘I wish there was a 24/7 of just Bryz life.’ ‘Legend.’ ‘You the handsome devil.’ ” —while scrolling through his Twitter mentions
• “My name is Ilya Bryzgalov. I’m your new leader. Let’s go.” — on how he introduced himself to his new teammates
• “I check the roster. Minnesota have 11 centres and they trade for the Hanzal. We need depth!”
• “Anybody have the Lombardi phone? I’m going to call him and pretend I’m the owner. Need to get rid of the Gaborik. I thought he retired for sure.”
• “Grumpy. They tough. They not smile. I’m not one of those guys.” — on the typical Russian player
• “In Philly, win or lose, you’re still overpaid.”
• “I can eat sushi, I can eat Italian. I’ll eat anything. I like even Mexican food… if it’s prepared well.”
• “Decepticons always have nice stuff. Autobots, they rebels. They weapons aren’t as nice.”
• “He going to continue riding his horses and enjoying his farm. Catch the scorpion and train the rattlesnake.” – on Shane Doan still untraded at 3 p.m.
• “Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I don’t have contract. I’m here as guest.” — upon learning that Sportsnet’s broadcast goes until 6 p.m.
• “No. It’s on Instagram, guys.” – appalled when asked if his cat is on Twitter
• “It’s me.” – on the most misunderstood Russian hockey player
• “Because they know I will become a starter.” – on why no NHL GM is giving him a shot to play backup