The World Cup of Hockey will be a tournament between six of the best hockey nations on planet earth.
I mean that, and two teams that are just completely made up.
I’ve already cynically dubbed Team North America as “Team Some Of Young Guns,” and Team World as “Team Some Of Europe,” but I have to admit, the tournament looks like it will be fun and I’ll still watch.
You know what would make it better though? More completely made-up teams.
Here’s another idea I had for a made-up World Cup roster:
TEAM HOCKEY MOVIES
Line 1: Adam Banks – Charlie Conway – Greg Goldberg
Line 2: Jack the chimp from MVP – Russel Crowe from Mystery Alaska – Riley from Inside Out
Line 3: The Hanson Brothers
Line 4: Doug Glatt – Dean Youngblood – Xavier LaFlamme
Defence Pairing 1: Russ Tyler – Happy Gilmore
Defence Pairing 2: Dean Portman – Fulton Reed
Defence Pairing 3: Rob Blake – Derek from The Tooth Fairy
Starting Goalie: Julie “The Cat” Gaffney
Backup Goalie: Denis Lemieux
Goalie who’ll never be used: Jacques Grande
I put a lot of thought into this lineup, OK? I even changed up the lines several times for better chemistry. This is serious business here.
Team Hockey Movies’ top line is comprised only of players from The Mighty Ducks. A veteran coaching move on my part, IMO. Charlie Conway is the obvious star and leader of this line, but remember, Ducks fly together.
Adam Banks has earned his right to skate on the top line. He’s been through thick and thin with Conway, they have chemistry from playing together for years and years, and he never backs down from a fight.
Then there’s… Goldberg. I know you’re thinking that Greg Goldberg sucks and doesn’t even play forward but he’s got something all you stats nerds can’t wrap your head around: He’s clutch.
Team Hockey Movies’ second line is a bit of a wildcard. They lack any chemistry whatsoever. They weren’t in hockey movies together, not to mention that one is a cartoon, one is a chimpanzee, and one is Russel Crowe.
But Crowe is the glue that holds this line together. He has two Academy Awards, neither of which was awarded for Mystery Alaska for some reason, and he’s the oldest and most experienced player on the line. Jack from MVP has a scoring touch but will require Russel Crowe’s guidance in order to avoid flinging certain things at the refs.
Riley from Inside Out, although young, is an excellent complement to these two and has been known to freeze her opponents in their tracks.
The third line is a no-brainer. The Hanson brothers have a family bond that can’t be broken. What they lack in skill they make up for with trash-talking and punching people in the face.
This is usually the part where I would insert a scene from the movie, but the movie was Slap Shot and this is a family site, so maybe next time?
Line 4 is what makes Team Hockey Movies so hard to beat: Full of chemistry yet unpredictable. Dean Youngblood may be the big name on the line, but you can’t underestimate high-flyer Xavier LaFlamme and his Halifax Highlanders teammate, the beating heart of the locker room, Doug Glatt.
While LaFlamme’s skills may suggest he should slot higher in the lineup, his star shines brightest when in the presence of the heart – and fists – of Glatt.
The first defence pair is all about one thing – the boom. Russ Tyler is the master and inventor of the knuckle puck. You don’t wanna block that shot. If he doesn’t have an open lane, he can just pass it to Happy Gilmore. If his shot is anything like his drive, that puck is going in. If the puck doesn’t go in, he’ll just take off his skate and attack his way to the net.
Our second pair features the Bash Brothers. What more do you want in a shutdown pair other than size and toughness?
The third pair has enough size and skill to be the first pair on most teams. Derek from The Tooth Fairy, who you might know better as The Rock, only needs to raise his eyebrow to scare away opposing forwards. His defence partner Rob Blake was in The Love Guru, but did you know he also played in the NHL? Who knew?
Then the last line of defence: The goalies.
Julie “the Cat” Gaffney is our starting goaltender for a number of reasons. She was the hero for the Mighty Ducks in their shootout victory over the great hockey nation of Iceland and knows when a player is fancy enough to go glove. Plus, Gaffney’s nickname is “The Cat” just like the best goalie who ever lived.
She’ll be backed up by Denis Lemieux who can always remind his team of the rules from the bench. Jacques Grande, who you might know as Justin Timberlake, will act as the third goalie. He might be skilled but he was also in The Love Guru, so he’s lucky he made the team at all.
What do you think of Team Hockey Movies’ chances at the 2016 World Cup? Are they a favourite? Are there any glaring omissions from the roster?
One thing is for sure: Team Hockey Movies will be worth the price of admission.