I recently celebrated my 33rd birthday and I’m now at a critical juncture in my life.
By society’s standards, I’ve reached the last possible year where my age and waist size can be the same.
In order to keep within this strict guideline, I’m attempting to increase my exercise regimen in 2010 (Although the Arby’s opening up around the corner from Scotiabank Place will probably neutralize most of my progress).
I wasn’t sure what approach I was going to take this year. I’m not enough of a tech geek to be able to illegally burn a copy of the P90X workout on DVD. I also won’t buy a Bowflex for the house because I refuse to purchase anything that Brett Favre has endorsed in the last two years. (And as a result, you’ll never see me buying Kenmore appliances while wearing Wrangler jeans).
So I decided to be the old-fashioned guy and just go to the gym more often here in Ottawa. During the month of January, I did a lot of travelling and ended up visiting gyms in Boston, Atlanta, Carolina and New York.
And something dawned on me while I was on an elliptical machine in Raleigh: It seems like the same people go to the gym wherever you are.
I know it’s not right to stereotype people – but it is funny.
So here is a list of people that always seem to show up at the gym and why you might want to avoid them.
The Obvious Steroid User
How To Spot Him – His locker will have a ridiculously over-sized tub of whey protein. He will head directly to the free weight area, wearing a belt that makes him look like he is the reigning WWE intercontinental champion. He also carries a water bottle that is filled with a mysterious green liquid.
Why To Avoid Him – He will likely ask to rotate in with you, no matter what machine you are on or how many sets you have left. Then he will purposely set it to the highest resistance level, showing you that his black market HGH is working.
The Gender Confused
How To Spot Him (or is it her?) – Questionable chest area (those could just be man-boobs), a short hair cut and gender neutral clothing always causes confusion.
Why To Avoid Him/Her – It’s a real time-waster at the gym. I once spent 20 minutes doing fake stretches to see which change room “Pat” would enter when they were done their workout.
The Hot Girl
How To Spot Her – Wearing only the latest lululemon gear, she often has resistance level on machines set to zero or one and can be seen gabbing away with her friend who is usually equally as attractive.
Why To Avoid Her – Your wife/girlfriend will not be happy if you are spotted anywhere within five machines of her.
The New Immigrant
How To Spot Him – He is running on the treadmill with jeans and dress shoes.
Why To Avoid Him – Actually, you should try and befriend the new immigrant at the gym. There is a very good chance that he is a software engineer pulling in $200,000.
Overly Friendly Senior
How To Spot Him – Often wears a plain grey sweatshirt with matching grey sweatpants. A headband is totally optional. Also likely to be carrying a mug of hot coffee.
Why To Avoid Him – The Overly Friendly Senior likes to drag you into long-winded conversations about the weather, politics and their obscure relatives who are not treating them with the proper respect. It’s also likely that Overly Friendly Senior has splashed on 25mL of Old Spice before hitting the gym floor.
Shameless Naked Change Room Guy
How To Spot Him – He’s big. He’s naked. He’s hairy. And he’s okay with it.
Why To Avoid Him – Seems obvious, doesn’t it?
Totally Normal Guy
How To Spot Him – Looks exactly like me.
Why To Avoid Him – Because apparently, he silently judges everyone else in the gym.