You know ’em, you
love hate ’em.
Dad jokes, where punny forever triumphs over funny.
They’re corny, they’re lazy, and they’re everywhere you can find male parents, which includes hockey rinks.
In an ongoing effort to craft something Pulitzer-worthy, it’s our NHL Power Rankings: 31 Lousy Dad Jokes Edition — inspired, ironically, by my eight-year-old son who follows me around the house reading from silly Scholastic joke books and hoping for pity chuckles.
As always, the teams are ranked according to their current awesomeness (and not the hilarity level of the riddles).
The write-ups provide a handy dad joke for each of the league’s 31 clubs.
Prepare to get your groan on.
Why was Jon Cooper forced into speech-therapy classes?
Because he often starts with a Stammer.
How is fighting Zdeno Chara like fighting a tree?
When he was a toddler, why did Sam Bennett go straight from diapers to big-boy underwear?
He couldn’t handle the Pull-Ups.
Why did Braden Holtby cross the road?
He didn’t want to be on the wrong side of history.
What the heck does Ryan, a Golden Knights’ depth forward, have in common with Jesus?
They’re both Carpenters.
Why was Josh Morrissey so bummed in music class?
He got stuck with the Trouba.
Why did Lou Lamoriello never want Wayne Gretzky on his team?
His number was too big.
What did the Pittsburgh Penguins drink on the space shuttle?
What stands between the Maple Leafs and playoff success?
10. San Jose Sharks
Which type of salad dressing did the Sharks training staff discover in Brent Burns’ beard?
What is the smartest way to prevent back pain when hauling lumber?
Carry under wood.
What is Dougie Hamilton’s favourite movie?
Night at the Museum.
13. St. Louis Blues
Did you hear how a certain Blues defenceman plans to break the record for shortest retirement speech ever?
Why is Artemi Panarin so determined to explore free agency, bro?
The bread, man.
15. Dallas Stars
Why does it feel like Stars fans are always getting kicked square in the pants?
Because a foot’s in the crease!
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is, the Habs have a great shot at making the wild card. The bad news is, those playoffs ticket sure will be expensive.
Yeah, it all comes down to Price.
17. Arizona Coyotes
Why are the Arizona Coyotes the only team not searching for a puck-moving defenceman?
They’d prefer a puck-relocating defenceman.
What nationality is Semyon Varlamov when he needs to use the restroom?
He’s a Russian!
How many Grittys does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to screw in the light bulb, the other to flick off the lights, jump out of the shadows and scare the bejeezus out of your children.
How does Jonathan greet the crowds of Blackhawks fans during Stanley Cup parades?
21. Minnesota Wild
Why did Bruce Boudreau get in trouble on the schoolyard?
He was caught pulling a Duby.
22. Edmonton Oilers
Why have the Oilers missed the playoffs in 12 of the past 13 years?
They signed Tobias Rieder.
23. Florida Panthers
Why did Roberto Luongo choose @Strombone1 for his Twitter handle instead of Stromebone2 or 3?
He wanted to honour the Panthers’ home attendance.
24. Anaheim Ducks
Why Ryan so good at telling joke?
Because Ryan gets laugh.
Which Canuck is always in coach Travis Green’s doghouse?
26. New York Rangers
As a child, Henrik Lundqvist loved all of Aesop’s Fables, but which one did he read the most?
The Tortoise and the Perfect Hair.
Why are the Devils the NHL’s best team at campfire cookouts?
Because they already have Wood, a Coleman, a Schneider and a Bratt.
28. Ottawa Senators
Hey, did you hear about the new craft beer they’re selling at Sens games?
It’s called Melnyk Stout.
29. Buffalo Sabres
Which Sabres defenceman is an expert at nicky nicky nine doors?
Rasmus Ristolainen, because you can always count on him for a dash.
Despite his substantial wealth, which member of the Red Wings front office still insists on going Dutch?
Fun fact: Drew Doughty never buys books. He only borrows them from the library. Know why?
He’s a big fan of the Dewy Decimal system.