NHL Power Rankings: That’s a (W)Rap Edition

Nothing screams “we’ve run out of new themes” like bad PG white-boy rhymes about hockey.

Yes, as your punishment for checking our weekly rating of the 31 clubs all season long, we present our first and hopefully last NHL Power Rankings: That’s a (W)Rap Edition, with a rhyming couplet that sums up the feeling around your favourite club.

Per tradition, teams are ranked according to their current strength heading into the post-season or the draft lottery.

Apologies in advance.

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1. Tampa Bay Lightning

Wire to wire, our lead bigger than Hammer pants
We’ll storm fountains with Stanley, let Stammer dance

2. Calgary Flames

We caught Drew Doughty slashin’, talkin’ smack about Keith’s son
Doubters think we got goalie problems, but Rittich ain’t one

3. Boston Bruins

Marchy’s got the Twitter fingers, Pasta’s strong with the thumb
Heads up ’round Big Z — he’s dummying fools and he’s over 41

4. Washington Capitals

A bumpy start, but now Willy’s free, we back on track
Ovie hit 50, crossin’ sauces, not suck back-to-back

5. St. Louis Blues

Binnington winning ’em, he’s just an NHL newbie
When’s Army liftin’ the interim tag off Coach Berbue?

6. Pittsburgh Penguins

A shame Kessel won’t score 30, but he’s not to blame
Nice guy, tries hard, plus he loves the game

7. New York Islanders

Our fans might go psycho, chantin’, burnin’ jerseys in parking lots
Chug beer, throw snakes, but steer clear of Trotzy’s parking spot

8. Nashville Predators

A fifth straight playoff spot is finally secured
We’re good to go, long as Pekka doesn’t get pulled

9. Columbus Blue Jackets

If the Jackets drop out, it’ll be scandalous — Monica Lewinsky
Torts hates dumb press questions, he’d rather monitor Werenski

10. Winnipeg Jets

Dustin is a bawse, every day he’s Byfuglien
White Out season, time for the Peg to get hustlin’

11. Toronto Maple Leafs

Scorers ride in waves, forward corps deeper than the ocean
But talkin’ heads want grit, and Sparky needs more emotion

12. Carolina Hurricanes

Possession off the charts like Linda Blair gone scary
Buncha duck-huntin’, slam-dunkin’ jerks irking Don Cherry

13. Vegas Golden Knights

Flow sicker than Boeser’s, we’re the Golden Misfits
Vegas flu got you down while we clickin’ our Fitbits

14. San Jose Sharks

Pavelski about to stack bank, man, haul some coin
Hey, anyone know what’s up with Karlsson’s groin?


15. Montreal Canadiens

How slick is Jesperi? Very, but the press box can be lonely
Playoff odds growing longer than our pre-game ceremony

16. Colorado Avalanche

“Let’s Go Avs!” — we got ’em all chantin’ when
Landy sets up Nate, who zips it to Rantanen

17. Dallas Stars

Wasn’t so long ago we were all on the hot seat, remember?
Playoff-bound, about to pop off like Jim Lites in December

18. Florida Panthers

Rumour says Strombone’s done, won’t play till he drools
I guess we should be careful what we tweet on April Fools

19. Arizona Coyotes

Hanging by a thread, hoping Coach Tocchet keeps his temper
Shoulda been toast a month ago, thank God for Darcy Kuemper

20. Vancouver Canucks

Two games left, it’s in our interest to lose
Let’s up our chance to unite the brothers Hughes

21. Philadelphia Flyers

We finally found a goalie, only took, like, fifty tries
Double-dog-dare your kid to stare into Gritty’s eyes

22. Chicago Blackhawks

Decline of Seabrook and Keith may suggest all is done
Yet Perlini, Cat and Stromer are surging under Colliton

23. Minnesota Wild

Say we’re dull? Have you seen Coach Boudreau’s face?
Heads are gonna roll since we’ve tumbled out the race

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24. Detroit Red Wings

Anyone else feel the Wings waiting for Steve Yzerman?
Blash just re-upped, but could a new boss fire him?

25. Edmonton Oilers

Connor says this ride’s insane, gonna be a long summer
Teammates picking up the slack like it’s a wrong number

26. Anaheim Ducks

Good grief, this CapFriendly page makes us sick
GM runnin’ the bench, next he’ll pick up a stick

27. New York Rangers

Free agency will right a blue ship steered rocky
Karlsson! Panarin! Let’s do that hockey

28. New Jersey Devils

Taylor re-signs, Jersey rebounds like a dream
Hey, man, I’m just trying to support the team

29. Ottawa Senators

Gettin’ weary of these long-distance calls from Barbados vacations?
The Sens will solve all ills with a president of hockey operations

30. Los Angeles Kings

All the ice cream in L.A. can’t fix a $6 million healthy scratch
And Doughty wants to play out the string in one filthy batch

31. Buffalo Sabres

Up the in the sky! Vultures swirling ’round Phil Housley
Exit meetings: “Tell me, do you really feel Housley?”

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