Nothing screams “we’ve run out of new themes” like bad PG white-boy rhymes about hockey.
Yes, as your punishment for checking our weekly rating of the 31 clubs all season long, we present our first and hopefully last NHL Power Rankings: That’s a (W)Rap Edition, with a rhyming couplet that sums up the feeling around your favourite club.
Per tradition, teams are ranked according to their current strength heading into the post-season or the draft lottery.
Apologies in advance.
Wire to wire, our lead bigger than Hammer pants
We’ll storm fountains with Stanley, let Stammer dance
We caught Drew Doughty slashin’, talkin’ smack about Keith’s son
Doubters think we got goalie problems, but Rittich ain’t one
Marchy’s got the Twitter fingers, Pasta’s strong with the thumb
Heads up ’round Big Z — he’s dummying fools and he’s over 41
A bumpy start, but now Willy’s free, we back on track
Ovie hit 50, crossin’ sauces, not suck back-to-back
Binnington winning ’em, he’s just an NHL newbie
When’s Army liftin’ the interim tag off Coach Berbue?
A shame Kessel won’t score 30, but he’s not to blame
Nice guy, tries hard, plus he loves the game
Our fans might go psycho, chantin’, burnin’ jerseys in parking lots
Chug beer, throw snakes, but steer clear of Trotzy’s parking spot
A fifth straight playoff spot is finally secured
We’re good to go, long as Pekka doesn’t get pulled
If the Jackets drop out, it’ll be scandalous — Monica Lewinsky
Torts hates dumb press questions, he’d rather monitor Werenski
10. Winnipeg Jets
Dustin is a bawse, every day he’s Byfuglien
White Out season, time for the Peg to get hustlin’
Scorers ride in waves, forward corps deeper than the ocean
But talkin’ heads want grit, and Sparky needs more emotion
Possession off the charts like Linda Blair gone scary
Buncha duck-huntin’, slam-dunkin’ jerks irking Don Cherry
Flow sicker than Boeser’s, we’re the Golden Misfits
Vegas flu got you down while we clickin’ our Fitbits
14. San Jose Sharks
Pavelski about to stack bank, man, haul some coin
Hey, anyone know what’s up with Karlsson’s groin?
How slick is Jesperi? Very, but the press box can be lonely
Playoff odds growing longer than our pre-game ceremony
“Let’s Go Avs!” — we got ’em all chantin’ when
Landy sets up Nate, who zips it to Rantanen
17. Dallas Stars
Wasn’t so long ago we were all on the hot seat, remember?
Playoff-bound, about to pop off like Jim Lites in December
18. Florida Panthers
Rumour says Strombone’s done, won’t play till he drools
I guess we should be careful what we tweet on April Fools
19. Arizona Coyotes
Hanging by a thread, hoping Coach Tocchet keeps his temper
Shoulda been toast a month ago, thank God for Darcy Kuemper
Two games left, it’s in our interest to lose
Let’s up our chance to unite the brothers Hughes
We finally found a goalie, only took, like, fifty tries
Double-dog-dare your kid to stare into Gritty’s eyes
Decline of Seabrook and Keith may suggest all is done
Yet Perlini, Cat and Stromer are surging under Colliton
23. Minnesota Wild
Say we’re dull? Have you seen Coach Boudreau’s face?
Heads are gonna roll since we’ve tumbled out the race
Anyone else feel the Wings waiting for Steve Yzerman?
Blash just re-upped, but could a new boss fire him?
25. Edmonton Oilers
Connor says this ride’s insane, gonna be a long summer
Teammates picking up the slack like it’s a wrong number
26. Anaheim Ducks
Good grief, this CapFriendly page makes us sick
GM runnin’ the bench, next he’ll pick up a stick
27. New York Rangers
Free agency will right a blue ship steered rocky
Karlsson! Panarin! Let’s do that hockey
Taylor re-signs, Jersey rebounds like a dream
Hey, man, I’m just trying to support the team
29. Ottawa Senators
Gettin’ weary of these long-distance calls from Barbados vacations?
The Sens will solve all ills with a president of hockey operations
All the ice cream in L.A. can’t fix a $6 million healthy scratch
And Doughty wants to play out the string in one filthy batch
31. Buffalo Sabres
Up the in the sky! Vultures swirling ’round Phil Housley
Exit meetings: “Tell me, do you really feel Housley?”