So you want to get in a goalie fight, eh? You love the drama of two guys who haven’t said a word to each other all game suddenly having the urge to pop each other in the face like Mr. Bernier and Mr. Miller last night.
Us too. But if you’re an actual goalie, new to fighting, you might be thinking: But, wait, what if I find myself engaged in an altercation with a tender at the other end of the ice? What is the protocol?
As a once-upon-a-time tender who’s never been in an real fight per se — but has watched many a Rock ’Em Sock ’Ems — I’ve taken it upon myself to share a few pearls of wisdom for your next tilt. For added insight we turned to Clint Malarchuk, one of the toughest goalies to grace an NHL crease and now a coach with the Calgary Flames.
First, consider the blue line the corner of your rink/octagon. You can skate out to the end of your zone and only meet in the middle after a suspense-building delay — Will they go? Won’t they go? Will they go? Oh, my God, the suspense is killing us! And then you go.
Or just charge in like a UFC fighter. Depends on your personality.
Ask yourself: What image am I trying to project? Are you the unhinged, prone-to-go-berserk type (a la Dan Cloutier)? Or are you the staid, introspective tender who uses violence only when custom deems it honourable (a la – ah, let me get back to you on that one)?
Remember, this fight is more about you than the other guy. What are you trying say? How do you feel about yourself? Not good? Take it out on him. You’ll feel better.
Fight another goalie. Don’t be a hero. Unless you’re this guy:
Go only as a last resort. In a low-scoring, close game, you’re more valuable in the net. But if you’ve been lit up, this is a solid time to pull yourself with style.
And if the other guy takes shots at your teammate, thus skewing the line-brawl numbers, get your ass down there.
Also, if the coach says go, you go.
Shoulder pads are the enemy. Get rid of one if possible — but don’t make yourself vulnerable in the process. Armless fighting is a difficult art to master.
“I always tried to use my strength to get them off balance,” says Malarchuk. “And I’d try to stay compact in my stance.”
Blockers are fair game against any player who has crashed into your crease. Hit the bastard hard.
Gut shots are obviously pointless. Aim for the face.
More wisdom from Malarchuk: “Throw from the shoulder — If you start going for bombs you’re going to put yourself off balance with the pads.”
When in doubt, clutch the jersey. Scowl and throw in some earnest curse words. It’s good for the show. Remember, you’re here to entertain to us.
But be gentle. Goalies are members of the same fraternity.
Unless you’re Mike Vernon and Patrick Roy:
Or Chris Osgood and Patrick Roy:
Or Felix Potvin and Ron Hextall:
Also, never be Patrick Roy’s son:
But if you’re Byron Dafoe and Olaf Kolzig, just have fun with it.
Happy fighting, netminders.