Feschuk: Quick! Get that goalpost an agent!

Illustration by Dave Murray

Crosby was great. Wickenheiser was terrific. But nobody had a better Games than that post.

The end of the Olympics always brings a raft of questions, such as: What comes next for the athletes? How drunk was the IOC when it decided doubles luge was a thing? Did anyone remember to poke some air holes in the crate where we’re stashing the ski jumpers until 2018?

And what about the skating judges? What do they do now? Do they just move on to the next competition? Or do they take a step back, reconsider their career path and decide to be terrible at something else?

Before they make their decision, I for one would like to express my appreciation of the ice dancing judges in particular. There was so much tension during the Games—thank you for giving us a safe place free from stress and anxiety, a place where we could breathe easily, secure in the knowledge that the outcome was preordained and no amount of artistry, athletic exertion or professional-grade sequins could alter the path carved by your loose morals.

For Canada, the Games were a grand success. Sadly, this deprives us all of the enjoyment of the Great National Soul-Searching that typically follows any sub-par international sports outing. Nineteenth in the world in badminton?? Welp, no choice now but to join the U.S. and be done with it.

Still, difficult questions remain. At the top of the list: What does the future hold for one of our defining heroes of the Games—the goalpost that saved Canada’s bacon in the final minutes of the women’s hockey final? Let’s look at the months ahead.

March: HarperCollins announces the publication of the instant autobiography Pipe Dream: The Inside Story of How a Four-Foot-High Cylinder of Red Metal Changed the Course of a Game… and a Country, by Goal Post with Roy MacGregor.

April: Critics hail Pipe Dream as the best book about an inorganic Canadian hero since Rug: The Life and Times of William Shatner’s Hairpiece.

June: At a nightclub, Justin Bieber eagerly seizes the opportunity to have his photo taken with the goalpost, mostly because they’re the same height and width.

July: The goalpost is spotted on the town with Rob Ford. They’re both covered in tattoos and spaghetti sauce. The mayor’s brother, Doug, says the two are doing some “late-night constituency work, nudge nudge.” He then asks if he said “nudge nudge” out loud.

August: Rob Ford denies published reports that a video exists in which he is seen using the goalpost to smoke crack.

September: The goalpost enters rehab.

October: Sober and repainted, the post signs a lucrative deal to work as a game-night analyst on Hockey Night in Canada. It wins its first three arguments with Glenn Healy.

November: The goalpost secures its first endorsement contract. Fittingly, the deal is to promote Viagra.

December: During an emotional Coach’s Corner, Don Cherry disowns the goalpost after discovering it was made from galvanized steel imported from China. Cherry is so distraught that he inadvertently utters a complete sentence, his first since 1987.

February 2015: Still riding the wave, the goalpost is cast alongside Keanu Reeves in the second season of True Detective. Critics praise the chemistry between the two actors: one a lifeless, impassive and wholly unresponsive blank slate, and the other a goalpost.

April: Paul Henderson, unhappy at being usurped as Canada’s pre-eminent hockey hero, is caught trying to shove the goalpost down a condominium garbage chute.

April 2017: The other post from the Canadian net, neglected for years, is the subject of a sympathetic profile in Today’s Alloys, the People magazine of the metals industry. A reunion of the two posts is briefly contemplated until the crossbar is lost in a tragic smelting accident.

August: The goalpost is honoured by the Royal Canadian Mint as part of a new coin series that pays tribute to our country’s most renowned inanimate objects, including the telephone, the Canadarm and Stephen Harper.

This story originally appeared in Sportsnet magazine. Subscribe here.

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