Feschuk: Roll tape of middle-aged schlub in produce aisle

Illustration by Christina Ung

How do you know you’re watching too many TV hockey panels? You start hearing panellists in your head throughout the day, passing judgment on your life decisions.

Host Hello everyone, welcome to the panel. Joining me as always: a retired NHL player, a sweaty journalist and a former coach who’s been fired eight times yet somehow retains a condescending air of infallibility.

All [Enthusiastic over-smiling]

Host Let’s get to it. What do you think of the outfit that Scott Feschuk put together this morning?

Retired player Over the course of my career, I got my bell rung at least 20 times. And even I won’t wear that much paisley.

Former coach Roll the film, OK? See that black fabric sticking out near his waist? Pretty sure that’s Spanx.

Host I want you to take a look at a clip from earlier today. Watch closely. Here he is, a full-grown man in his 40s, and as the footage shows: He’s pouring a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch for breakfast.

Retired player Were they all out of Boo Berry?

All [Excessive, head-thrown-back laughter]

Journalist A top-level source tells me he later placed the bowl in the sink—even though the dishwasher was, like, right there.

Former coach [Rambling story about Gump Worsley’s affinity for oatmeal told to wrong camera]

Host Let’s get to the meat of the day: eight hours at work. Almost two of them productive.

Former coach I’ve seen some good procrastinators in my time, but this kid’s got some flash. The way he almost nailed both prices in the Showcase Showdown—he’s watched that show at his desk before.

Retired player Keeping an extra jacket at work so it looks like he’s still in the building when in fact he’s napping in his car? That’s next-level stuff. He’s the Phil Kessel of magazine journalism.

Host The big outing after work was to the grocery store.

Retired player I’ve got some issues with his decision making here. Sure, it’s crowded in the produce section. Time and space are at a premium. But you’ve still got to come out of there with more than a pint of blueberries and an overripe avocado.

Former coach [Using telestrator]Bananas! Grab those bananas!

Retired player Just take it one aisle at a time.

Journalist Guys, I can confirm that Twitter is abuzz right now over the milk he bought: It expires tomorrow.

Former coach Rookie mistake. Would never have happened if he’d brought a higher compete level to dairy.

Retired player And did you see his casual little move at the checkout? Like that guy needs another Coffee Crisp.

Journalist Officially, his excess weight is being described as a “middle-body issue.”

Former coach Credit where it’s due: I liked the creativity he showed rushing to get home before his wife so he could hide the Pringles behind the healthier snack options. That’s good hustle.

Retired player But the car ride itself was a disaster. How does a guy listen to that “Turning Japanese” song for 30 years and still not know the lyrics?

Host Time for the quiz. We’re 40 minutes away from dinner. When his teenage son suggests going to the gym afterward, will he:

a) Feign injury or illness?

b) Feign injury and illness?

c) Delay answering for a few seconds in the hopes that he is saved by an earthquake or aneurysm?

Journalist My sources are saying the gym is a go. Though expectations are that he will only put in 20 half-hearted minutes on the bike while wearing jeans and playing Candy Crush.

Host That’s all we’ve got time for right now. Join us tomorrow morning when we analyze controversial footage of Feschuk falling asleep on the couch during NCIS.

This story originally appeared in Sportsnet magazine. Subscribe here.

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