Feschuk: Why the Texans should hire Rob Ford

Illustration by Jori Bolton

The Houston Texans have lost nine straight and need a change at the top. Meanwhile, there’s a certain former high school football coach in Toronto who could use a fresh start. Think of the press conferences we’d get out of it!

Good Monday morning, everyone.

Well, another tough loss yesterday. And that one’s on me. That’s on Coach Ford, OK? I should never have used up one of my challenges before kickoff. But I had to go with my gut and challenge the day of the week—it sure felt like a Wednesday out there.

Anyway, I see all your stupid hands in the air so, fine, let’s talk about what happened at halftime.

It’s my job to get the players revved up, OK? I take that seriously—like I take all parts of my job seriously. Just ask any of the cheerleaders: The girls and I always talk about it in our daily hot-tub meeting.

Anyway, some coaches motivate using movie clips. Some give fancy speeches. I used a tiger. Yes, it was a real, live tiger, and I brought it into the locker room to make a point about… I don’t know what exactly, but I won the tiger last week in a poker game and I know this much: It was definitely getting sick of being in my car.

Anyway, I’m happy to tell you that quarterback Matt Schaub required only a few stitches to close the scratch on his left leg. And I have more good news: The doctors tell me it’ll only take 24 to 36 hours for his right leg to pass through the tiger. So let’s call him day to day, for now.

The tiger, I mean. Schaub is pretty much doubtful for Sunday.

As for yesterday’s game itself, yes, I did call the Statue of Liberty play seven consecutive times, probably in one of my coaching stupors. But everyone makes mistakes, OK? You can’t tell me Bill Belichick never took his players out to a strip club on Saturday night and then had them do mushrooms and lie down in the middle of the interstate. All you people who don’t play football don’t get it, OK? That was an important bonding experience for every single member of this team who survived.

But the critics just focus on the bad stuff. They keep hounding me, asking things like: “Have you ever smoked crack cocaine during an NFL game?” And I have said to them very clearly: define “during.” Do you mean the whole three hours? Because that’s a long time, and it gets kind of boring just standing there.

The point is that the naysayers are going to be the naysayers. The haters will be the haters. The police investigating my connection to the [makes air quotes] “accident” to Andrew Luck’s kneecaps are going to keep investigating. I probably shouldn’t have made air quotes there. Don’t quote me on those air quotes.

As for what happened early in the fourth quarter yesterday, I’m getting tired of all the accusations, OK? First of all, I was only in the middle of the field because I was trying to hurry out of the stadium. We were never going to win that game, and the lineup at the airport Sbarro can get pretty long, so… you know, you do the math. Leadership is about making decisions.

As for the other stuff: I’ve told you a million times that I can’t comment on a video that doesn’t exist. Did I have a few sips from the sideline keg? Sure. But even if this video does exist, my lawyer says it can’t be broadcast without the express written consent of the NFL—which they probably won’t give on account of my pantslessness. Alleged pantslessness.

Anyway, you’re probably wondering about the incident on the plane ride home. Listen, when I pulled that handle, I’d never even heard of the word “pressurization”…

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