The merits of technology-aided terminations, and all the other questions you really couldn’t ask any other sports columnist
Every now and then, I invite questions on Twitter at @scottfeschuk and answer them here. THIS IS ONE OF THOSE NOWS AND/OR THENS.
My U8 Girls team has played three games and missed snack twice. Should I fire my manager on Skype? —@JayPetroff
The Edmonton Oilers are taking heat for using Skype, an Internet video service, to fire coach Ralph Krueger. But you know what? Smart businesses manage their expenditures wisely. Do you have any idea how much it would have cost to have “Your employment contract is hereby terminated” spelled out by a skywriter?
I for one like what the online firing says about the Oilers. It says they aren’t concerned with outdated customs like “human decency.” For them, it’s about communicating with all the class and professionalism of a 12-year-old girl.
Besides, when you’re a modern sports franchise that’s been so epically bad for so many years now, you can’t be expected to fire everyone in person. If you did, you wouldn’t have time to hire the people you’ll be firing next year via tweet.
Among pro eaters, do the hot dog guys hang out with the chicken wing guys? —@albertanate
In the world of competitive eating, the hot dog guys are kings. They get many of the perks, most of the groupies and all of the impacted colons. But the truth is there’s not much time for “hanging out.” Training is the No. 1 preoccupation of today’s competitive eaters. (My best guess is that their No. 2 preoccupation is No. 2.)
The typical regimen begins weeks before an event. Some chew large amounts of gum to build jaw strength. Others will each day eat an entire head of boiled cabbage, followed by two gallons of water, to increase stomach capacity. These eaters tend to be a) successful, and b) not fun to sleep beside.
My skin crawls at the new Ottawa CFL name. What if I never get over this? My skin will all crawl off and I will be skeletal. Help!
—@DebbySimms
Let me reply in two parts:
a) That’s gross.
b) According to the owners of the Ottawa RedBlacks—a team that was apparently named by having Dustin Hoffman’s character from Rain Man stare at a checkerboard—we just need to allow time for the name to “grow on us,” like so many skin tags. Only then will we come to appreciate its genius. (Disclosure: As an Ottawa resident, I am currently in my 21st year of having the name “Senators” grow on me.)
RedBlacks is a classic case of TryingTooHard. As fans, it will be incumbent on us to come up with a nickname we can live with. We could shorten it to “Blacks,” but I’m not sure it’s wise to stand up in a stadium and holler, “Get your act together, Blacks!” or “You suck, Blacks!”
Does Martins Dukurs continue to dominate or is there a legit contender this year? —@CraigDrebit
I see what you did there. You cited a figure from an obscure sport (skeleton) in the hopes of catching me “unawares” or “with my pants down.” Well, the joke’s on you because I’m only one of those things, and that’s just because it’s breakfast and I don’t want to get syrup stains on my Zubaz. Truth is, I enjoy “fringe” sports. I once almost missed a flight because I couldn’t pry myself from a televised darts competition. (I even developed a rooting interest: “Go, slightly less obese guy!”)
Recently I went so far as to attempt to actually watch an entire baseball game on TV. Have you tried this lately? I’m talking about watching a whole baseball game without once flipping the channel, or sending an email, or reading a full Stephen King novel while the DH steps out of the batter’s box long enough to adjust his helmet, cup, sweat bands and opinion on gay marriage. It can’t be done. The modern attention span has turned baseball into the opposite of a car crash—you can’t not look away.
This story originally appeared in Sportsnet magazine. Subscribe here.