Decades from now, you’ll notice many changes in the sports we love, but none at all in the way we discuss them
Sports arguments are fun. But if you listen to a lot of sports radio, or watch a lot of panels on TV, you can begin to suspect that certain tired arguments will go on forever.
Welcome to Sports Arguments of the Distant Future!
Basketball
We’re back, and the question on everybody’s mind is: Who was the better basketball player—LeBron
or Jordan?
—It’s hard to compare. They played in different eras and had different skill sets.
Fair enough. That’s a good point. But Jordan was better.
—You’re a moron: LBJ all the way. Besides, Jordan had Pippen and Rodman.
LeBron had Wade and… um… wasn’t there a third guy?
—Nope, just the “Big Two” as they were called.
Hold on, it’ll come to me… Posh? Splosh?
—You’re thinking of the Spice Girl and the sound of stepping in mud. My point is: I didn’t like when MJ came back.
After playing baseball?
—After the bionic implants.
But he averaged 43 points a night!
—No sports fan should ever have to endure the sight of a 72-year-old man in a singlet.
Come on, the guy was a three-point machine!
—Exactly: He replaced his right arm with a machine specifically calibrated to shoot three-pointers.
Hang on, I just remembered the name of the third Heat guy: Gosh!
—Nope, expression of surprise.
Baseball
Should players from baseball’s infamous steroid era be in the Hall of Fame?
—No way. They were cheaters.
But the Hall isn’t there to police ethics—it’s there to reward the best talent of the time. Are you saying we should exclude all players on whom suspicion has been cast? Even career home run leader Four-Arm McGee?
—McGee is the poster boy for baseball’s medical manipulation era of the 2020s. His quartet of biceps and his 1,576 homers should never see the inside of the Hall. Same goes for Five-Eye Ramirez and Half-Horse McAllister.
Next, you’ll be excluding stolen-base king Rickey Harris just because his DNA was genetically engineered to be 97 percent puma! Listen, you can go ahead and appoint yourself judge and jury, but there’s never been any definitive proof to contradict McGee’s claim that he got those extra limbs by taking cold pills.
—What amazes me is that with every new generation, we’re always surprised. We’re so naïve. Even I admit that my jaw dropped when Mark McGwire III tested positive for titanium. Although, in hindsight, the fact he was listed in the media guide at six-foot-three, 2,367 lb., should have been my first clue.
I still believe him when he says it was all protein shakes.
Hockey
Greatest player ever?
—Gretzky. Hands down. No debate.
Are we talking Original Gretzky or Clone Gretzky, who scored 122 goals in 2024–25?
—Neither. My vote goes to Robo-Gretzky. He was so amazing to watch! The goals. The assists. The way he doubled as a Zamboni. I’ll always remember the way the game just seemed to slow down for him.
That was because his ocular cortex was retrofitted with a Slo-Mo Vision processor.
—Don’t be a hater. I’m not ashamed to admit I cried when the league retired Robo-Gretzky’s number. No one will ever again wear 1100011.
Nice try, but if we’re including non-organic players, then Terminat-Orr was the superior all-around performer. Greater speed. Lethal shot (literally—no single player killed more goalies). And he was a hybrid, so he was better for the environment.
Coming up next: Tiger Woods passed away yesterday at the age of 97. We debate whether he’ll ever win another major.
This story originally appeared in Sportsnet magazine. Subscribe here.