NHL All-Star Weekend is upon us, which means many of the league’s best players are about to descend upon Vegas and put on a show.
If you’re looking for a serious, critical rundown of what to expect over the course of this weekend, you’ve come to the wrong place.
Friday’s Skills Competition will likely bring some really fun moments, but what would happen if we gave every franchise their very own Skills event?
Answering that question is how to we landed on this (ridiculous) list. While we’ve scattered a few real events into the mix — hey, you’re not the only one who wants to see if Connor McDavid has gotten even faster since his last lap — most of these are just our silly attempt to inject a little more fun into what will surely be an entertaining weekend.
So with that, let’s dig into this week’s NHL power rankings: An All-Star specialty for each team edition.
1. Florida Panthers (32-10-5)
NHL Scoring Spree. Or, as the Panthers call it, just your average game. The Panthers’ high-powered offence leads the league in total goals on the season (192) and is tired with Colorado for first in goals per game (4.09). Their league-best goal differential of plus-55 tells you pretty much everything you need to know.
2. Colorado Avalanche (32-8-4)
Who Wants to Be A (Multi) Millionaire? Many millions will be headed Nazem Kadri’s way in free agency this summer, considering his otherworldly play through the first half of the season. The only way Colorado can afford to keep him will be if they, too, hit the jackpot gameshow-style.
3. Carolina Hurricanes (31-9-2)
The Storm Surge Challenge. Think breakaway challenge, but with celebrations. Bonus points if coaches get involved.
4. Tampa Bay Lightning (30-10-6)
Ring toss. A classic! Tom Brady’s cross-river Lombardi lob was a little too anxiety-inducing, and the Stanley Cup is… well, it’s a bit heavy for that. Plus, if any rings are damaged in the process they can probably just get another one this spring.
5. Toronto Maple Leafs (29-10-3)
NHL Fountain Face-Off. Okay, this one – one of two new events for this year in Vegas – isn’t actually about faceoffs but don’t tell the Maple Leafs that. Their 55.9 win percentage on the dot ranks them tops in the league. In reality, this challenge, which takes place on the iconic Bellagio Fountain, is all about accuracy… and star-power. Step right up, Auston Matthews.
6. New York Rangers (30-13-4)
NHL Save Streak, only this time it’s star netminder Igor Shesterkin who gets to take shots on his Rangers teammates. New York leads the league in wins while being outshot by opponents, so it seems only fair, right?
7. Minnesota Wild (28-10-3)
Kaprizov Keepaway. Just give him the puck and watch him skate literal circles around everyone.
Another strategy…
8. Pittsburgh Penguins (27-11-8)
The Crosby Home Run Challenge. Few players possess the knack for scoring baseball-style, bat-the-puck-out-of-mid-air goals like Sidney Crosby. While we’re at it, may we also propose someone set him up for a mid-air marker as his 500th career goal sometime soon?
9. Washington Capitals (25-13-9)
The Ovi Office Challenge. Ovechkin will be watching the events from home this year, but what better way to honour the All-Star than to host an even in his home office on the ice. Settle into the left hash marks, get Nicklas Backstrom to feed you pucks, and watch the lamp light up.
10. Nashville Predators (28-14-4)
NHL Save Streak. Juuse Saros has earned every bit of his first All-Star nod, putting up really strong numbers (2.35 GAA, .927 save percentage) through the first half of the season. He’s the biggest reason the Predators are currently sitting second in the Central at the midway point of the season. Honestly, though, he could probably use the break instead of making more saves – he leads the league in shots faced this season with 1,210, averaging 31.8 per game.
11. Vegas Golden Knights (27-16-3)
Las Vegas NHL 21 in ’22. The league’s new hockey-meets-casino game, to be played out on the Vegas strip with a full deck of oversized cards, is exactly what we expect for an All-Star Show in Vegas.
12. St. Louis Blues (26-13-5)
Celebrity Shootout (finally?!?). There’s no time like the present to finally stage that much buzzed-about challenge between Jordan Binnington and Justin Bieber.
13. Anaheim Ducks (23-16-9)
H-O-R-S-E. It’s basically the Breakaway Challenge, except Trevor Zegras – league leader in shootout goals, Dishigan dealer, lacrosse king – sets the pace and everyone else tries to pull off the same trick.
14. Boston Bruins (26-14-3)
NHL Hardest Shot. As in, shots fired on Twitter courtesy of the league’s roast king Brad Marchand. No team is safe.
https://twitter.com/Bmarch63/status/1486870187294875650
https://twitter.com/Bmarch63/status/1483883345964638215
15. Calgary Flames (23-13-6)
Let’s keep this one simple: First player to make Daryl Sutter smile – or, dare we say… laugh?!? – wins the weekend.
16. Los Angeles Kings (24-16-7)
Sure, L.A. Rams wide receiver Cooper Kupp won the triple crown as the King of the catch this season, but can he skate? Let’s find out.
… Hey, wait a minute… is that Super Bowl-bound L.A. Ram Jalen Ramsay on the ice again?
17. Dallas Stars (23-18-2)
The Puck-Tipping Challenge. Players take turns posting up, screening goalies, and tipping in shots a la net-front-presence aficionado Joe Pavelski.
May we also suggest a game of… glow in the dark hockey…?
Totally safe.
18. Edmonton Oilers (23-16-3)
NHL Fastest Skater. This might be a boring pick considering it’s one of the mainstays of the annual All-Star event, but when you’ve got Connor McDavid on your team you’ve gotta let the man fly.
19. Vancouver Canucks (20-20-6)
“Wait, haven’t I been doing the NHL Save Streak for like a month already?” – Thatcher Demko, probably.
20. San Jose Sharks (22-20-4)
Dodgeball. The Sharks lead the league in blocked shots, so why not switch things up and give ‘em a break?
21. Winnipeg Jets (18-17-7)
NHL Breakaway Challenge. Not because it’s a strength of theirs, but because they need the practice. The Jets have won just a single game via shootout in five attempts for a .200 shootout win percentage, scoring just twice on 15 shots. (The Coyotes and Devils are right there with them, tied for second worst behind the Flyers who have yet to register a shootout goal this season in four games.)
22. Detroit Red Wings (20-21-6)
Young Guns vs. Legends. With an exciting crop of young players, including elite rookies in Lucas Raymond and Moritz Seider, and a front office full of NHL greats (Steve Yzerman, Nicklas Lidstrom, Niklas Kronwall, Dan Cleary…) we clearly need a star-studded scrimmage.
23. New York Islanders (16-17-6)
Simon Lou Says. Like the classic kids game, only much more serious and a lot less fun. What the veteran GM says, goes.
24. New Jersey Devils (15-25-5)
Chutes and Ladders. Going with the classic boardgame here, because just when you think you’re on the rise, you hit a chute and slide back down only to end up near the beginning again.
25. Columbus Blue Jackets (20-22-1)
Project Runway. Patrik Laine earns a special All-Star invitation and the spends the whole weekend showing off his looks on the red carpet. Make it work, NHL.
26. Chicago Blackhawks (16-23-7)
Okay, not an event, per se, but rather just a silent auction held off to the side for the right to trade for Marc-Andre Fleury and bring him in for a Cup run.
27. Buffalo Sabres (14-24-7)
Guess Who? Goalies Edition! Six different goalies have suited up for the Sabres this season. Between COVID outbreaks and injuries, it’s just about anyone’s guess which netminder will be in the crease on any given night.
28. Seattle Kraken (15-27-4)
NHL Accuracy Shooting… but make it The Salmon Toss. On the ice, the Kraken have had their share of struggles in their inaugural season but when it comes to starting up fan traditions with a distinctly local flare, they’re quickly proving they’re one of the best.
29. Philadelphia Flyers (15-22-8)
Supermarket Sweep. Only, instead of the supermarket it’s the NHL trade and free agency market and you’ve got a bunch of blank cheques. And, go!
30. Ottawa Senators (14-22-4)
Pictionary, but only if Thomas Chabot gets to play.
Drop an emoji to describe @ThomasChabot1’s drawing of the #Sens logo.
We’ll start:pic.twitter.com/jkTRPdErTm
— Ottawa Senators (@Senators) September 13, 2021
31. Arizona Coyotes (11-30-4)
Golf.
32. Montreal Canadiens (8-29-7)
Hey Coyotes, need a golf partner?
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