TORONTO – Well, that was quite a week for apologies, eh? What with Alex Rodriguez doing the hand-written thing. Everybody has something to apologize for, right? So I started thinking …
With pitchers and catchers due in for all 30 MLB teams by Monday, what would each of the teams like to apologize for, if given a chance? If they could send out a missive to their fans, what would the teams tell their fans to assuage any hard feelings?
So, with apologies to A-Rod, here’s our apologetic look at each of the teams entering spring training:
Arizona Diamondbacks
Sorry for the pitching mess and for a front office that might keep tripping over each other’s egos dishing out blame.
On the bright side: We just signed a $1 billion regional TV contract and we got a Cuban – everybody needs their own Cuban, right? – in third baseman Yasmany Tomas.
Atlanta Braves
Sorry for the four platoons we’ll be running as part of a sudden rebuild – oh, and for sticking a crap stadium in a crap part of the city in 1997 and needing a new one built eight years later. Oops.
On the bright side: What we were doing wasn’t working.
Baltimore Orioles
Sorry for the Dan Duquette melodrama – and not doing anything of substance.
On the bright side: Matt Wieters, Manny Machado and Chris Davis are back and healthy; could Everth Cabrera come out of PED hell like Nelson Cruz?
Boston Red Sox
Sorry for balling up the Jon Lester thing, and leaving us in the unfortunate position of actually relying on Clay Buchholz.
On the bright side: You have the Panda. That makes life better because … well, it just does.
Chicago Cubs
Sorry we can’t fast-forward to 2017; with seven of the top 100 prospects on most lists and with Kris Bryant, Addison Russell and Kyle Schwarber on the way, we’ll be contending for a title by then.
On the bright side: we’ve got our ace, Jon Lester, locked up for however long it takes the kids to get ready. Plus … Joe Maddon, everybody (drops mic).
Chicago White Sox
Sorry we aren’t the Cubs.
On the bright side: We have some tantalizing prospects of our own – Carlos Rodon, Tim Anderson – and with Chris Sale, Jeff Samardzija, David Robertson, Jose Abreu, Adam LaRoche and Melky Cabrera, we can win the American League Central. Actually … we will win the AL Central.
Cincinnati Reds
Sorry we haven’t signed Johnny Cueto to a new deal. Don’t need that distraction.
On the bright side: We have the All-Star Game; and Joey Votto, again.
Cleveland Indians
Sorry we didn’t add much beyond Brandon Moss and Gavin Floyd.
On the bright side: Our young core almost took us to the post-season with a 32-22 finishing kick. Terry Francona’s the manager.
Colorado Rockies
Sorry we didn’t win the World Series in 2007 … ‘cause we’re nowhere close.
On the bright side: Um …. Let us get back to you on that.
Detroit Tigers
Sorry about that window of opportunity closing, not to mention that with $107 million due to six players over the age of 30 between 2016-2020, we’re on the verge of becoming the new Phillies.
On the bright side: We’re not there yet; if Justin Verlander’s extra 20-odd pounds of muscle and tighter curve returns some of his dominance, we might have one more shot.
Houston Astros
Sorry for oh, so much. Who the hell had the bright idea of moving into the American League?
On the bright side: Would you like a side order of strikeouts with your torturous rebuild? We set the major league record for strikeouts in 2013 with 1,535 and had 1,442 last season, with three regulars who struck out more than 30 percent of the time. And now we have Colby Rasmus. Beauty!
Kansas City Royals
Sorry for not beating Madison Bumgarner. So sue us.
On the bright side: Most everybody’s back for another pennant – and we added 102 miles per hour throwing Jandel Gustave, a Rule 5 pick, to a dominant bullpen. We like him so much we might go with an eight-man ‘pen. Really.
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
Sorry for that no-show against the Royals in the playoffs.
On the bright side: There’s more depth throughout this season … and watching 23-year-old Mike Trout cut down on the strikeouts and steal some more bases might be worth the money, especially if manager Mike Scioscia continues to mull over moving him into the middle of the lineup.
Los Angeles Dodgers
Sorry – awful sorry – about Kenley Jansen blowing a wheel working out at Dodger Stadium … but we’ll find someone to close for the first six weeks of the season.
On the bright side: General manager Andrew Friedman is a genius. That’s what everybody says. Plus, there isn’t much threat around us in this division.
Miami Marlins
Sorry for that stadium funding thing and fire-sale a couple of years back. Promise it won’t hap – oh, never mind!
On the bright side: Giancarlo Stanton? Jose Fernandez coming back? The best off-season of any MLB team? Marlins vs. Nationals will be the best battle in the game this season.
Milwaukee Brewers
Sorry about how we’ve just kind … of … petered out … you know? Sort of like the way we lost 22 of our final 31 games after leading the AL Central for 150 days.
On the bright side: Did we mention we led the Central for 150 days? Corey Knebel, who came over from the Texas Rangers in the Yovani Gallardo deal, could be something else out of the bullpen.
Minnesota Twins
Sorry for not being able to bring back the 2000s. Remember the 2000? Four Central titles in five years. Remember all those playoffs?
On the bright side: Paul Molitor’s the manager and there are several young position prospects on the cusp, including the possibly transcendent Byron Buxton. The Twins’ lineup was seventh in batting average and mid-pack in WAR; savvy Twins fans will feel like they’ve seen this before.
New York Mets
Sorry for the fact we’ve let the Marlins and Nationals get so far out of our sights.
On the bright side: Matt Harvey’s back … and we’re not the Philadelphia Phillies.
New York Yankees
Sorry for A-Rod. Age. A-Rod. Age.
On the bright side: Have you seen the new souvenir containers with genuine Yankee Stadium dirt in the Fan Shoppe? Seriously. Just $69.99. It’s right next to the collective MRI results of Masahiro Tanaka’s elbow. Just $79.99.
Oakland Athletics
Sorry for – wait? Have you seen the hole we play in? Have you seen how we turn chicken-you-know-what into elimination in the Division Series?
On the bright side: There’s so much foul territory at the Oakland-Alameda Coliseum, or whatever we’re calling it today, that Brett Lawrie won’t brain himself running for a foul ball. Our GM made nine trades involving 27 players. We’re the patron team of hipsters everywhere.
Philadelphia Phillies
Sorry for perhaps the worst job of managing age and diminishing skills in the past 30 years; sorry for Ruben Amaro, Jr.
On the bright side: There is none. We are awful. As Cole Hamels said: winning “is not going to happen here” any time soon.
Pittsburgh Pirates
Sorry for leaving that taste of unfinished business in your mouth after two playoff appearances.
On the bright side: Don’t get greedy; not so long ago, we were god-awful. We’ve got some issues – Pedro Alvarez will spend spring training mastering first base, and hoping happiness in the field translates to happiness at the plate – but Josh Harrison, Starling Marte and Gregory Polanco are something else. Plus, there’s Andrew McCutchen; bow down to the baseball gods every day and give thanks.
St. Louis Cardinals
Sorry for crapping out so far in pursuit of a No. 1 starter, a big concern given Adam Wainwright’s elbow surgery – he’s faced 2,065 hitters the past two seasons, including the playoffs, which is remarkable – and the relative callowness of Carlos Martinez and Marco Gonzales.
On the bright side: Hamels is still available in a trade, Jason Heyward ought to be motivated as hell going into free agency and Yadier Molina is, well, Yadier Molina: good bet for MVP, but 20 pounds lighter.
San Diego Padres
Sorry for who we’re going to have catching the ball this year. Oy.
On the bright side: We’ll have actual major leaguers at almost every position for the first time in, what, six years?
San Francisco Giants
Sorry about that whole thing with Panda.
On the bright side: Three World Series in five seasons? Three words: suck it up.
Seattle Mariners
Sorry for coming up a game short in the wild-card race.
On the bright side: That shouldn’t be an issue in 2015; we’re good enough to win the AL West. Put it this way: Taijuan Walker, fifth starter.
Tampa Bay Rays
Sorry for losing all that Joe Maddon magic; and the pilfering of the front office. It was going to happen some time, people.
On the bright side: We’ll still pitch the hell out of the ball and have retained pitching coach Jim Hickey. Of our top 30 prospects, eight have joined the organization in trades since the July 31 trade deadline. Several are high end.
Texas Rangers
Sorry for the way everybody keeps getting hurt. Jurickson Profar is done for the year with shoulder surgery – remember those trade rumours involving Jose Bautista two years ago? Yeah … those were fun – and Matt Harrison’s back surgery has been so-so and he’s out until June.
On the bright side: The Rangers have money but, man, that sure sounds like a window of opportunity slamming shut.
Toronto Blue Jays
Sorry for the whole uncertainty around the closer.
On the bright side: Newcomers Josh Donaldson, Michael Saunders and Russell Martin could make the Blue Jays a top-tier defensive team; after hitting in Death Valley while with the A’s, Donaldson should be a beast in the summer heat of Rogers Centre.
Washington Nationals
Sorry for the potential distraction of free agency for Ian Desmond, Jordan Zimmermann and Doug Fister.
On the bright side: We’re the best team in baseball and some guy in Toronto’s going to pick us to win the World Series. It’s not all that bad.
