Hockey folk like to romanticize action in “the dirty areas”: the checks into rutted corners, the nasty possession battles along hard boards, or the brave ventures into blue paint, where you’re liable to get cross-checked by a defenceman or gut-punched by Carey Price’s blocker.
But there is no dirtier area than the shopping mall on Dec. 22-24.
Sharpen those elbows, kids. We’re going Christmas holiday shopping for the perfect last-minute gift for your favourite hockey team in our NHL Power Rankings: Stocking Stuffer Edition.
All sales are jolly.
| Rank | Team | Previous | |
| 1 |  |
Isotoner Smartouch gloves. So John Tortorella can count every one of his club’s 10 consecutive wins on his fingers. |
1 |
| 2 |  |
A Vezina for Devan Dubnyk, who’s been better than Carey Price and everyone else who plays the position this season. Leads all goalies in save percentage, goals-against average and shutouts. |
7 |
| 3 |  |
An Ironman suit, for hard-minutes Kris Letang. The Penguins’ No. 1 defenceman is so critical to driving his teams’ offence, yet it’s been six years since he’s played more than 71 games in a season. He’s on IR again. |
2 |
| 4 |  |
A Cousin Eddie–style black dickie, for Tomas Plekanec. So his throat can stay nice and cozy without wasting all that extra cloth on full turtlenecks. |
4 |
| 5 |  |
An All-Star Game, for Wayne Simmonds. The man has been a beast, as usual, this season and deserves the honour. A throwback who leads the surprising Flyers in goals (16) and penalty minutes (44). |
6 |
| 6 |  |
A new, jacked-up salary cap ceiling. Because GM Stan Bowman is going to have a heck of a time trying to pay his leading scorer, RFA-in-waiting Artemi Panarin. He’s about to make bread, man. |
3 |
| 7 |  |
An Olympic participation agreement, so Ted Leonsis and Alex Ovechkin don’t need to have an awkward meeting with Gary Bettman and all the mediocre NHLers get two weeks in Puerto Vallarta, or wherever they go. |
8 |
| 8 |  |
A crisp Rangers ball cap, for Henrik Lundqvist. His old one may be starting to get a little ratty after wearing it on the bench for 13 Antti Raanta appearances before Christmas Eve. |
5 |
| 9 |  |
A big, community vat of beard oil. The Sharks can save by placing it in the centre of the dressing room along with the Gatorade and sticks of chewing gum. Quick chin dip, and on to the ice they go. |
9 |
| 10 |  |
One thousand more games for Chris Neil. Why not, eh? |
14 |
| 11 |  |
A gold watch, for head coach Ken Hitchcock. Helluva career, good sir. |
10 |
| 12 |  |
“Love Actually” on Blu-Ray. For Patrick Maroon, because we can’t get enough of tough guys showing emotion. |
16 |
| 13 |  |
An ice bucket. For Randy Carlyle’s Ducks to un-swell their knuckles in. Anaheim leads the league, easily, with 23 fighting majors. |
15 |
| 14 |  |
A Thigh Master, for Jonathan Quick. So he can accelerate his groin recovery and rescue L.A. from the Peter Budaj Era. |
17 |
| 15 |  |
An Aretha Franklin box set, for underpaid, overachieving Viktor Arvidsson. The speedy Swede leads the Preds in points, and the entire league in shorthanded points (four), yet still can’t get enough R-E-S-P-E-C-T. |
13 |
| 16 |  |
A copy of J.K. Rowling’s “Finding the True Self.” What is the Bruins’ identity in 2016? They’d been looking to improve their defence for years, but now it’s the offence that is struggling, even though they’re generating tons of shots. Do they want a playoff spot or not? The bubblest of the bubble teams. |
11 |
| 17 |  |
Health and prosperity. Injured goaltender Ben Bishop is out for up to four weeks, Steven Stamkos is sitting out months, and several other key members (Ryan Callahan, Jonathan Drouin) have been hurt. It’s best for the league if this group is happy and healthy come spring, because they’re unlikely to be together next fall. |
18 |
| 18 |  |
A shiny roll of duct tape. To repair the PNC Arena cooling system leaks that resulted in a postponement of the Hurricanes’ home date versus the Red Wings Monday. |
20 |
| 19 |  |
A gift certificate to The Keg. So Johnny Gaurdeau and Sean Monahan can have a romantic dinner and toast the fact they’ve reclaimed their rightful spot atop the Flames’ scoring leader board. |
12 |
| 20 |  |
An org chart. |
23 |
| 21 |  |
A dunce cap, to teach the Sabres discipline. Buffalo has a hard enough time getting the better of opponents’ five-on-five. When they end up in the box, Buffalo’s penalty kill is the league’s worst (73.7 per cent). |
25 |
| 22 |  |
A third Dick Tracy–style fedora. For William Nylander, who might be starting to feel left out of the blossoming bromance taking root in Leafland. |
21 |
| 23 |  |
A four-month supply of beach balls, to replace the pucks Antti Niemi and Kari Lehtonen can’t stop. Dallas is wasting star forwards’ prime by allowing a league-worst 104 goals. |
24 |
| 24 |  |
A pair of booster cables, to jump-start the league’s worst power play (12.4 per cent). |
22 |
| 25 |  |
A framed quilted picture with the Gretzky quote: “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” Despite all their offensive weapons the Jets are firing an NHL-low 27.9 shots per game. |
27 |
| 26 |  |
Four-leaf clover cuff links. For Jim Benning to wear to the 2017 NHL draft lottery — broadcast live on Sportsnet this spring! |
28 |
| 27 |  |
A gift certificate for Mike Craig’s services. So the NHL’s ice whisperer can get Barclays’ surface as smooth as the face of Maple Leaf. |
26 |
| 28 |  |
A gauze pad. To staunch the bleeding. The Devils have now lost seven consecutive games, and their minus-23 goal differential is the worst in the East. |
19 |
| 29 |  |
A sellout Friday. It’s difficult to sell locals on a rebuilding club — fewer than 13,000 fans are coming out to Coyotes games — but it’d be sweet to see a packed house for Auston Matthews’ one-night-only homecoming. |
30 |
| 30 |  |
A Shooter Tutor. You’d think with all the young weapons they have up front, the Avalanche would be struggling more at the defensive end than at the offensive end, but the Avs have a league-low 65 goals. |
29 |
