What if Auston Matthews wasn’t so humble?
And what if the Toronto Maple Leafs superstar only communicated in Civil War–esque telegrams home to Mother?
Such is the brilliant and wonderfully specific premise of Leafs fan and blogger Nic Frost’s Matthews parody account.
Since January, Cpl. Matthews – “the war’s youngest Corporal leading the war’s youngest battalion in search of glorious triumphs on the frozen battlefields” – has regaled us with his pre- and post-game missives to mom.
Following in the hilarious footsteps of Not Dany Heatley, Boring Sean Monahan and the NFL’s Capt. Andrew Luck, @CplMatthews is fast becoming a must-follow for hockey fans and recently expanded his thoughts on Toronto’s hockey battles via HighTrollers.com.
Under cloak of darkness, we met up with Cpl. Matthews in the mess hall and interrogated him.
SPORTSNET.CA: What is this war you are waging anyway?
CPL. MATTHEWS: My battalion is looking to restore glory to Fort Toronto. She was once proud, but subsequently ran into the ground. Fortunately, President Shanahan has rekindled our collective pride once again! He is a tremendous leader, and we are all willing to do what is necessary to make his vision a success. Even if it means going on the LTIR and pretending to be dead for the good of the unit.
What do you miss most about Fort Arizona?
Mother’s marmalade and jams were the focal point of any fine, Arizonian breakfast. She has sent me some in her care packages, and I try to ration them. Unfortunately I traded the last one with PFC Martin for a fifth of Wild Turkey after our conquering of the French. If you’re reading this, Mother, please send more.
Rumour has it, the NHL is considering bringing back the glowing puck. Thoughts?
This sounds like trickery developed by the New Jersey Devils. Have you ever heard of something as absurd as a glowing puck? Clearly this is witchcraft at its finest.
Why do you think General Babcock placed Private Marner on the fourth line?
Pte. Marner is somewhat of a prankster behind the scenes, and he switched Gen. Babcock’s dentures with a bunch of Chiclets strung together with dental floss. It was a humorous jest, but one he now suffers for. God bless him.
Who is your greatest ally on the Maple Leafs?
It is most certainly Pte. Nylander. He has distracted enemies many times, whilst aiding in my kills. For example, in my first of two against Montreal, Capt. Price was actually staring at Pte. Nylander’s hair. He was mesmerized, which made my opportunistic shot quite easy. Pte. Nylander is an irreplaceable weapon on my flank, and in my heart.
Tell the truth: Are you better than McDavid?
I have much respect for Capt. McDavid. He does not have the same quality of brothers as I, but was quite successful last year nonetheless. But while he may be fast as a cheetah, I have the heart of a lion. And there is no doubt who the King of the Jungle is.
Fifty goals — is that within your reach? If so, how soon?
It is certainly reachable, but it may take some time. Although I love the citizens of Fort Toronto with all my heart and soul, it would be wise if they were to temper their expectations sometimes. That being said, I would have to predict somewhere around mid to end of November.
Which enemy territory frightens you most?
It is definitely Florida. There are multiple units stationed at that godless swampland, and it is infested with predatory wildlife. Last year an anaconda began swallowing Pte. Gardiner, until PFC Martin tore it in half. Sleep is scarce down south.
What should the Leafs’ tactics be at the trade deadline?
I can only assume that rival GMs will offer The Lou some sort of quality defencemen in exchange for amnesty. He can make any of them look foolish at will. I suspect they will have a lottery of sorts to see who has to pay tribute.
Why do the Leafs take so many penalties?
We are an aggressive unit. We fight as one, we drink as one, and we win as one. It is our pleasure to kill penalties and allow our menaces such as Pte. Borgman to run wild and instill fear upon our enemies. I cannot understand a word he says, but he speaks the language of intimidation quite fluently.
Rosen or Borgman?
Pte. Borgman. For above reasons.
Fehr or Moore?
I enjoy this platoon. I suggest we keep both for the time being. Depth is an asset few squads know the luxury of having. Perhaps I am growing sentimental in my old age of 20, but I feel Pte. Moore has travelled enough. You are safe, Pte. Moore. You are home.
D.C. general Barry Trotz said if you played in another era, you’d draw comparisons to Mario. Whom do you believe to be your closest comparable?
I would say I am a hybrid of Capt. Steve Yzerman, Capt. Mario Lemieux, and Gen. Napoleon Bonaparte.