Not happy with your favourite hockey team?
Please feel free to go full Frances McDormand hockey mom and plaster your dissatisfaction on a billboard so the whole city can feel your pain.
Still stewing that The Shape of Water‘s Best Picture nod cost me an Oscar pool victory — guess who nailed Best Makeup in an Animated Foreign-Language Documentary Short, though — I’ve decided to simultaneously honour both fan-funded free speech and my favourite film of 2017 in our NHL Power Rankings: 31 Billboards Outside Your Hockey City.
As per tradition, all 31 clubs are ranked in order of their current watchability.
The write-ups are simply the bold slogans and all-caps calls to action we spotted on billboards outside all of the NHL’s metropolises during a rather lengthy road trip around North America this week.
Make Them the First Norris Trophy Co-Winners
Overworked and Underpaid: Let Vasilevskiy Sleep!
(paid for by Andrei Vasilevskiy)
Suspend Your Disbelief: Marchand 4 Hart
Hop Aboard the Winnipeg Wagon — We’ve Got Full Bars!
Penn & Tell ‘Er to Ditch the Magic Show and Come Watch Hockey!
Real Good Pro,
Real Good Man,
Real Good Ply’r
The San Jose Sharks: We Love You As Is
Our Coach Is Scarier Than Yours
Home of Alex Ovechkin’s One-Timer
(Please Adjust Your Rear-View Mirror for Era)
Winnin’ for MacKinnon
If Dustin Brown Can Get It Together, So Can You
Welcome to Pittsburgh, Home of Phil Kessel,
One- Two- Three-Time Stanley Cup Champion
13. Anaheim Ducks
Guess Who Wants Us in Round 1? No One
14. Minnesota Wild
This May Be the Year Bruce Boudreau Wins a Game 7
15. Florida Panthers
16. St. Louis Blues
We’ll Get ‘Em Next Year!
Your Move, Flyers
(paid for by the Philadelphia Eagles)
Thank You, Peter Chiarelli!
19. Dallas Stars
Let’s Stop Rushing Ben Bishop Back
21. New York Rangers
Ryan Spooner: 13 Points, Healthy
Rick Nash: 6 Points, Injured
22. Calgary Flames
First- and Second-Rounders Rarely Amount to Anything Anyway
23. Edmonton Oilers
Connor Will Save Us… Right? Right?!
24. Ottawa Senators
LeBreton Flats 2022: Come See Cody Ceci and Marian Gaborik!
PLEASE! Log on to GoFundMe.com/Stadium and Help the ‘Hawks Secure an Outdoor Game
26. Arizona Coyotes
Don’t Get Any Wise Ideas, Quebec
27. Buffalo Sabres
We’re Two Years Away from Being Two Years Away!
(courtesy of the Caboclo Model Movement of Buffalo)
Four! More! Years!… Of Karl Alzner
Johnny B. Loyal
Little Caesars Arena — You Can Totally Get a Slice of Pizza in Here!
Fallin’ for Dahlin (But Please Don’t Pass us for Rasmus)