In one of his iconic and ridiculous Weekend Update guest spots, Adam Sandler would offer up a series of cheap, last-minute Halloween costume ideas for you trick-or-treaters too lazy to put any effort into the holiday but still wanting to reap its sweet rewards.
Now gimme some candy!
We’re generous neighbours here at Sportsnet.ca.
Our jack-o-lantern is lit, our bowl is full, and our NHL Power Rankings: A Halloween Candy for Every Team Edition hands out bonbons to everyone, regardless of how much energy they’ve put into the occasion.
All 31 teams are ranked in order of the power they’ve displayed over the opening four weeks of the 2018-19 season, while the write-ups select a cavity-causing treat for each one.
No pennies or apples allowed.
The championship-contending Predators (9-3) have sprung to an early lead toward another Presidents’ Trophy, but nothing matters until their Ring Pops.
The Lightning’s top two scorers are five-foot-10 Brayden Point and five-foot-nine Yanni Gourde, tiny pieces that can overwhelm with their flavour. Like Rockets.
During a four-game winning streak, which ended Tuesday, the Penguins outscored their opposition 33-6. Boxes of Red Hots for Sid and all his pals.
The Avalanche’s ridiculous 3 Musketeers — Mikko Rantanen, Nathan MacKinnon and Gabriel Landeskog — have amassed a walloping 51 points through a dozen games. Enjoy the nougat, boys. You’ve earned it.
Here you go, little Bradley. Enjoy your Lik-M-Aid.
The Sharks have played well, but their underlying possession metrics rank them top-three in the league — a fine argument for keeping Erik Karlsson Now and Later.
With the much-depended-upon Frederik Andersen leading the league in wins (six) and continually bailing out a defence that turns the puck over too often, you could say Andy’s mint. Or you could just buy him some Andes Mints.
The Habs must have been munching on Cracker Jack because — surprise! — they’re actually good.
The big, bruising Jets are back to their penalty-taking ways. This talented bunch of Jawbreakers easily leads the entire league in PIM per game (14.2).
Alexander the Grape Ovechkin has already monster-mashed eight goals and 14 points through 10 games, turning the Stanley Cup hangover into a myth.
11. Minnesota Wild
Minnesota’s identity is tough to pin down. The Wild couldn’t buy success upon puck drop, then started knocking off solid squads like Colorado and Tampa, then looked flat in Vancouver. For now, Minny’s tough-to-pin-down flavour deserves a Whatchamacallit.
12. Arizona Coyotes
Growing weary of the constant Snickers, the Coyotes have suddenly developed a satisfying brand of hockey, their four-game win streak punctuated by a nutty 7-1 smothering of Tampa.
The Hurricanes are operating with far and away the league’s lowest cap hit ($63.2 million) and are carrying just 22 players on the active roster. They’d probably appreciate some Chocolate Gold Coins.
14. Edmonton Oilers
No NHLer can make plays or pile up points faster than Connor McDavid, forever reminding us he’s the human Starburst.
Kyle Palmieri leads New Jersey in scoring, Ben Lovejoy has been a rock on the blue line, and Keith Kinkaid has blown away all expectations as the starting goalie. But we still believe this is team is Halls.
After a sluggish start to the season, Big Turk (coach Gerard Gallant) has guided his Knights to points in five of the past seven outings.
A juicy seven goals in seven games for wonder rookie Elias Pettersson? That’s a lot of Swedish Buries.
The Smarties and Nerds all predicted that Anders Lee and Josh Bailey would see their production fall off a cliff once John Tavares left, but both veteran forwards are producing more than a point per night.
19. Dallas Stars
It’s taking Dallas a few weeks to find its stride under a rookie head coach and a new approach, but when you have a captain like Jamie Benn — who never Turtles — it bodes well to stay in the playoff mix.
20. Calgary Flames
Travis Hamonic could use some Chiclets after bravely responding in the wake of another face injury. “That’s a tough one,” Flames coach Bill Peters said. “He’s coming off a jaw injury, and all of a sudden you’re asking him to eat the Ovie one-timer on the PK.”
Not enough hate these days, Coach Tortorella? Well, here’s a pillow case full of nothing but Kerr’s Halloween Kisses, Candy Corn, and Licorice All Sorts — a.k.a the big bag o’ hate.
22. Buffalo Sabres
Jeff Skinner, 26, is quietly clipping along at a point-per-game pace as he platforms toward unrestricted free agency. PayDay!
Patrick Kane must be trick-or-treating in a wealthy subdivision because he gets a full-size Skor bar for his league-leading 11 goals.
24. Ottawa Senators
In Thomas Chabot and Maxime Lajoie, the Senators are dressing the top two defencemen on the cost-per-point scale. One might say they hit the Gold Mine with these entry-level studs.
25. Anaheim Ducks
A slim-fit chest protector hasn’t hindered John Gibson. The Ducks’ Life Saver has maintained one of the league’s best save percentages while getting outshot by more than 14 pucks a game.
26. St. Louis Blues
The summertime additions of centremen Ryan O’Reilly and Tyler Bozak have led to the Blues’ possessing the best faceoff win percentage in the West (55.6 per cent). Not too bad in the Dots.
27. New York Rangers
We’re not through the first month of the season, and already the rebuilding Rangers have been subjected to trade rumours (see: Hayes, Kevin). Henrik Lundqvist & Co. are headed down a Rocky Road.
The Flyers can blow bubbles like leads with pieces of Big Red, the ideal chewing gum for the Mascot on Elm Street.
29. Florida Panthers
We’ll hand out Candy Watches to the Panthers so they can refer to their wrists and wonder when Roberto Luongo is coming back.
Werther’s Original is the foil-wrapped hard caramel of choice for old people everywhere. Enough said.
When you far and away lead all 31 teams in giveaways (162), Butterfingers feels like the most appropriate snack.